


Your Doppelganger is a Dwarf

by Infility (orphan_account)



Category: Middle Earth/Real World mix, The Hobbit All Media Types, The Hobbit RPF
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-11
Updated: 2014-02-04
Packaged: 2018-01-04 09:29:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 21,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1079339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Infility
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when the dwarves, the hobbit and the bowman end up just a bit outside of London due mysterious circumstances? Or when they have to take residence with their human-modern-age-doppelgangers? And how can the mighty Thorin Oakenshield and his company cope with all the great things of the modern world?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So! Welcome to my other story!! ^^ I think that this will be very interesting and very entertaining to write! Just imagine, cars, phones, televisions, buses and all this stuff put in front of you in the middle of your quest to reclaim your mountain back from a greedy dragon?? XDD What a shock!

It was Bard who woke up first. He grunted as he shifted to sit up, feeling all the bruises that would decorate his body in no time. He wiped a few strands of black hair off of his face and turned to see how the dwarves were doing, when something stopped him. He froze, hand still raised to his hair, and his eyes widened. 

In front of him, not more than a few feet away, stood a thing he had never encountered before. It was bigger than a warg, oddly square-shaped and had round feet. It was red, and it stood still, not even breathing. It seemed to be made of metal. 

Bard moved his hand, slowly, ready to draw his sword if need be. But the red metal monster made no sound, no move to attack. 

"What is that peculiar thing?" Bard asked himself. Monster or not it seemed to be quite clumsy, with such small, round feet and such enormous, square-shaped body. And its eyes... dull, most likely closed since no pupils were to be seen. 

A movement behind him made Bard turn and draw his sword, but it was only Thorin, sitting up and holding his head. The King glanced up and saw Bard, but something in the bowman's face alerted the dwarf. 

"What is it?" Thorin asked, and at his voice the other dwarves--and Bilbo--stirred. 

"That." Bard pointed at the unknown creature. "I have never seen one. I don't know what it is." 

Thorin frowned, standing up, hand on the hilt of his sword. "Is it going to attack?" He asked, glancing quickly at the human. Bard shrugged. 

"It has not made even a sound since I woke up." He said, but took his bow and drew an arrow. "I've got your back." 

Thorin nodded, sneaking towards the creature. It hadn't stirred to their talking, and even now it made no attempt to neither attack nor escape. Thorin had to admire its courage, not flinching in front of an elven sword and an arrow. Or maybe it was just stupid. At least it looked like the latter. 

"Hey!" Someone yelled. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" 

Thorin and the others, startled by the sudden noise, turned to see a young man, walking towards them across the narrow road. He was oddly clad, into black pants with several chains hanging from his hips, and a shirt with short sleeves and a picture of a skull in the front. His black hair was short and straight, green at the tips, and he had some tiny metallic rings on his face. He looked angry. 

"Don't fucking touch my car you creeps!" The boy said, walking to the red creature. "Should've known not to stop outside London... Country people.." He mumbled, throwing a furious glare at them before opening a weird door at the side of the creature and SITTING IN. Bard was so bewildered by this he didn't even care to think of a response to the apparent insults. 

Suddenly the creature woke. Through a window-like thing at the front they saw the boy, still looking alive despite having voluntarily thrown himself inside the beast. He grinned at them and showed his middle finger, before the creature's eyes lit and it started forward, growling as it passed the dwarves and soon disappeared to the horizon. 

"What was that?" Fili asked, accepting the hand of his brother and standing up, holding his side but brushing Kili off when the brunette tried to see it. "Why didn't it attack? And was.. was that kid a human? Why didn't he fight?" 

"Yes, I'd like to know that too," Dwalin growled. He checked his axes and gave a small smile at finding them still attached to his back. "But I don't think the lad was eaten. He seemed to be in control." 

"From inside?" Fili said quietly, more to himself, still trying to wave Kili off of him and his side. Kili pouted, in a way he knew Fili couldn't resist, but the golden-haired dwarf was too confused to notice. Kili huffed and gave up, joining the conversation. 

"He said it was a car." He announced, and Thorin turned to look at him, nodding slowly. 

"Very well. Listen, all of you!" Thorin raised his voice and everyone fell silent. Thorin glanced towards Bard, who didn't like to be ordered by a dwarf, but for once the bowman seemed to be eager to hear what Thorin had to say. 

"We will continue. I do not remember this place-" they all looked around. A small sand road and forest on both sides. They had not been in a place like this before, but what can you do? "But we will go on. If we see more of those cars, we will not attack unless they attempt to. And even if they do no harm will come to the people inside!" He looked at each of them long enough to receive a nod of acceptance. Then he turned and pointed at the road. 

"We will follow the path, for we have been put to it by some force we do not know. Be ready to fight." 

••••••• 

Dean whistled the tune from the beginning of Doctor Who, holding the basket and trying not to feel utterly abandoned and bored. Richard had wished for food that included mushrooms. Dean could not stand the mushrooms they were selling in the stores, so he had gotten a brilliant idea to go to the forest and collect them himself. 

"What a wonderdul idea." He sighed, looking into his empty basket. He had spent exactly four hours and three minutes in the forest. At first it had been fun, the autumn leaves on the trees golden, red, brown, orange, yellow, and green, the sun playing with the colors. But now it was getting dark, and Dean wasn't very happy with the thought of him alone in a forest when it was dark. A basket did NOT count as a weapon. And if a wolf or another blood-thirsty animal decided to have a bite, what would Dean do? Slam the basket to its head? 

"Sorry Richard. No mushrooms tonight." Dean turned, ready to walk back to his car.  
"Where did the path go?" He gasped, looking around and trying to see. The forest was identical on every side, dark shadows already looming under the trees. 

"Oh crap," Dean rushed forward, certain he had come from there, but not sure which direction he was going to. North, perhaps? He only wanted to find the road before it would be too dark to see anything at all. 

All the horror stories he had ever heard came rushing back to his mind, werewolves and zombies filling his thoughts until he thought he saw them under every tree and behind every rock he passed. 

"They are not real, not real, not real," Dean chanted, yelping and falling back as the handle of his basket got caught into a branch. He landed on his back with a pained huff but was back up in a second, leaving the basket behind. 

Brilliant idea, come to a forest when it's the one thing you are afraid of! Dean cursed himself, tearing his way through a bush, his heartbeat like cannon in his ears. 

•••••••

"Uncle, I think Fili is not fine." 

Thorin turned to look at his youngest nephew. They had all relaxed when no more cars had been seen, and a happy though surprised chatter filled the air. Everyone was wondering where they were. 

"What do you mean?" Thorin glanced at Fili, walking next to Bilbo. He was alarmed to see how the blond walked slowly, and how Bilbo's hands hovered next to Fili as if ready to support him. 

Kili's eyes were bright with worry. "We are all bruised, like we would've fallen, and a long way down too. I don't understand. We just went to sleep in that small forest near Erebor. I think Fili broke a rib or something." 

"Might be." Thorin admitted. "And I cannot say anything to the question of our whereabouts. I have never before seen cars or people dressed up like that kid had, especially not near Erebor. And I'm afraid I do not see the mountain anymore." Thorin frowned. He had tried to see, and in all sense the mountain should've been looming above them. But no, there were only trees and the sky. "See to Fili but do not annoy him. You know he doesn't like to be fussed over. If he gets worse notify me and we'll make camp. I'd rather not to, though, before we are clear of the forest and know where we--" 

"Thorin! Something's coming this way!" Dwalin shouted from the left. Everyone stopped, tensing and drawing their weapons. 

Dwalin was right. To their left, in the darkness of the forest, something was moving, and fast. Something was running. 

"Ready!" Thorin yelled, and moved close to Fili, who looked sick, holding his two swords. Kili too went to stand in front of his brother. If Fili noticed, he said nothing, blue eyes locked to the forest. 

••••••

The road! Dean felt like laughing, seeing the silvery line of the road behind the trees. He was far from his car, but that was fine. He'd find it easily enough, the road was straight. 

Dean ran through the last bushes, bursting through the leaves and small twigs and jumping over the small pond at the side, landing rather gracefully on the road. He was panting and sweaty, but he was safe. 

Or so he should've been. He was leaning to his knees, trying to catch a breath when something long, metallic and cold was slid under his jaw to rest against his neck. 

It was a sword. 

Dean looked up, blue eyes wide like two plates, blond hair falling over his face. He had not prepared to what he saw. 

Thirteen short people in odd clothes, holding weapons and looking equally stunned stood in a small group in front of Dean. Only one, the fourteenth, was the size of a normal human, and he too had a bow, the arrow pointed straight to Dean's heart. 

Dean's eyes met the eyes of the one holding the sword to his throat. The man was maybe short but he was handsome, long black hair streaked with silver falling to his shoulders and back. His blue eyes were intense, but he looked nearly horrified, looking at Dean like he had seen a ghost. The sword was trembling, and then it dropped, thudding softly as it hit the ground. 

"Fili?" The man whispered. Dean straightened, heart beating faster than it had after the run. He looked around the small group, each face reflecting the same amazement and horror that was on the black haired man's face. Even the one, safely behind the swordman and another short one with a bow. The one behind them stared at Dean with horrified curiosity, stared at Dean with his own, blue eyes. Blond hair fell around the man's face, braided and shining, and Dean felt sick. 

"I'm not.." He mumbled, and then his eyes rolled back and he fell, already unconscious as he hit the ground.


	2. "Are we supposed to get INTO the metal beast?!"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit longer chapter. Dean wonders and helps, and the Company is quite horrified by the thought of getting into a car. :DD

Dean's eyes fluttered open, and for a while he was certain he was blind. He saw absolutely nothing, and he wasn't even in bed. No, he was on the ground. The ground OUTSIDE. Everything came flashing back, the mushrooms and the run. But why had he fallen asleep in the forest? Or did he hit his head? That seemed like the more sensible option. 

"Aww great," he sighed, sitting up, surprised his head didn't hurt. But if he fell, wasn't his head supposed to hurt? The road was full of rocks the size of his thumb. 

The darkness was explained by the fact it was already night--it was very cloudy, the stars hiding behind the blanket of black and dark grey clouds. 

"What on earth-" Dean fell silent. In front of him, a few feet away, sat a group of people, staring at him with amazement. For a second Dean wondered if he was dreaming, and then he remembered. Short people. Dwarves or something. With odd clothes and swords and axes and bows. And one that looked exactly like Dean. Except with a beard and moustache and long hair. 

"Erm.. Evening." Dean tried weakly. His words made the dwarves jump, but after a short silence one of the group stood up. It was the one who was normal-sized, the one who had pointed at Dean with an arrow. His black hair was pulled back from his forehead to a half-ponytail, and he was quite handsome, if a bit...historical. He flashed a small smile. 

"Good evening. We are sorry if we startled you. I am Bard." The man inclined his head, and Dean followed. 

"I'm Dean O'Gorman. And... May I say that if you don't want to startle someone, don't threaten him with an arrow and a sword." Dean tilted his head. Bard gave a small laugh as the rest of the group stood up, walking towards Dean. He noticed they had left their weapons to the ground. 

As soon as the dwarves--Dean was now certain they were dwarves, though he had never seen any--reached Dean, the air was filled with chatter. Dean could only pick up a word here and there.

"Fili--"

"Exactly alike, identical-"

"Imagine with moustache you oaf and you'll see-" 

"Don't call me an oaf-"

"My brother-" 

"He cannot be!" 

"Of course he's not, OUR Fili is right here. But he looks the same. He's not even that much taller." 

Dean flushed at the last words. Great. Even dwarves thought he was short.  
"Listen, guys-" he tried, but his voice wasn't loud enough. Luckily he noticed the one with long black hair and intense blue eyes staring at him, and as soon as they made eyecontact the dwarf opened his mouth and yelled: 

"Silence!" 

Everyone fell silent at the same time, looking from the dwarf to Dean and back. It was a sight that Dean, under quite a lot of pressure, found hilarious.  
He started laughing. 

••••••

Thorin stared at the human-Fili--he had said his name was Dean--as he started laughing hysterically. The real Fili would never do that, especially not under such circumstances. And indeed, Fili was staring at Dean, looking quite shocked and unbelieving. Thorin felt bad for his eldest nephew. How it must feel to meet someone who looks just like you. 

"I... I am so sorry," Dean gasped, wiping his eyes. He was clad in just as weird clothes as the one swallowed by a car earlier. His pants were light blue and had HOLES in them, and his shirt was completely white with short sleeves. His hair, just as golden as Fili's, was much shorter but curled the same way. And other than the length of his hair, his height and his lack of beard, he could've been the very reflection of the Prince. He had a necklace, hanging half way to his chest, and Ori had noticed it too. Ori, who liked everything shiny, so to say. 

"What is that?" The young dwarf asked, curious but shy. Dean flashed him a friendly smile, quite like what Fili would do if Ori asked him something. 

"Army plates. So that if I go to war and die and turn unrecognizable, but my army plates are somewhat untouched, people can identify me." He grinned. "Don't you know these?" 

Ori shook his head. Thorin felt a new kind of trust towards the second Fili--Dean. He was a soldier, then. And ready to go to war. 

"What is this place?" Kili asked, boldly stepping forward. He seemed to already trust Dean, if not as much as he trusted Fili, then close to that. He was looking at Dean like he could look at Fili sometimes. 

"Uhm. You are just a bit outside of London. Hiking?" Dean asked, and the dwarves shook their heads. A quest to reclaim Erebor wasn't exactly hiking. 

"London?" Fili asked, unable to look at anything else but Dean's face. "What is London?" 

Dean took a step back, his eyes growing wide, and now it was his turn to look unbelieving. "You are kidding me." 

"We can assure you," Thorin growled, "that we are not." 

"Oh," Dean blushed. "Well, London is the capital of Great Britain. May I ask, where are you from?" 

"We are from Erebor." Dwalin grunted. "Never heard of any Great Britains." 

"Erebor?" Dean inhaled sharply, suddenly looking at each one of them, slowly shaking his head as he seemed to understand something.  
"Oh my God, you... you think you are from a BOOK?" Dean snorted, backing up. All trust had vanished from his face, replaced by suspiciousness and fear. "Look, I don't mind if I see people cosplaying. You've done incredible job, guys. Height and all.. But.. I have to go." He turned and rushed away, along the road, and he was a fast runner. 

But Bard was faster. A single look from Thorin and the bowman shot after Dean like an arrow, much taller than the blond, and reached him just a minute after. 

Bard grabbed Dean's hand and pulled him to a halt. Dean turned, terrified, and struggled to get free. The dwarves were quick to be at their side. 

"Look, whatever your game is, I'm okay with it. Just please, let me go home." Dean pleaded, giving up the struggling. He looked utterly miserable and afraid, and Thorin couldn't help but feel maybe a bit protective and sorry for him. After all, he would never have wanted to see such an expression on Fili's face, and Dean was just the same. 

Everyone was surprised when Bilbo stepped forward. Bard didn't hold Dean's arm so tight anymore, but didn't let go either, and Bilbo shot him a look.

"Excuse me," he said, "didn't you say your name was Dean?" 

Dean stared at Bilbo. "You look like Martin." 

Bilbo's face turned from a friendly smile to a confused frown. "I swear I am not. I'm Bilbo-"  
"Baggins, yeah, I know. I know all of you." Dean said quietly. "You are Oin. Gloin. Bifur, Bofur, Bombur. Dwalin, Balin. Nori, Dori and Ori. Fili, Kili and Thorin." Dean's words created a silence so heavy they could hear birds chirping nearby. 

"How do you know?" Bard sounded amazed, letting go of Dean. 

"Well how would I not?" Dean shrugged. "You are book characters. Made up. J. R. R. Tolkien CREATED you lot. So don't give me that shit of being characters. Cosplay if you want to and let me go, or tell me your real names and why you won't let me go." 

"Sit down." It was Thorin. He was looking at Dean, a little paler than before, but his voice was as strong as ever. 

"I won't-" Dean started. 

"Sit. Down." 

Dean sat to the ground, the group soon following behind, only Thorin standing up. He looked odd, even to Dean. The usual frown was gone as he looked around them, seemingly searching for the slightest silhouette of the mountain.

"You have to believe us," Thorin started, and everyone was surprised to hear him nearly pleading. "We truly are the dwarves of Erebor, and the names you just gave us are our own. We do not know of this book or this Tolkien you talked about, and we swear it. Last night we went to sleep in a small forest near Erebor. It would've only been a few more days to the mountain. But we woke up here. My nephew, the one who looks like you, as you have noticed, is hurt. You talk about London and Great Britain and characters. We do not know where we are or where to go from here." Thorin stopped. "So I ask you, can you help us?" 

Dean was silent. Help them? They did sound sincere, but they just could not be the dwarves from the book. It was impossible. So far they hadn't hurt Dean, but actually seemed to try and prevent it. Dean glanced at Bard. He had a feeling the man had stopped him from falling and hitting his head earlier. And what about that Fili? Dean looked at him. Fili did look like Dean's reflection, even now looking at him with the same blue eyes.

But what about Richard? Richard would not like it. Dean bringing home fifteen people, thirteen dwarves, a hobbit and a man. Richard would not be happy. But then again, he could be interested. Thorin sounded exactly like him. And even looked like him, now that Dean looked more closely. Truth to be told, each dwarf looked just like someone Dean knew--and that was too much to be a coincidence. 

"Uncle-" Kili turned to Thorin, but Dean interrupted him. 

"I'll help." He said. Everyone turned to him, and he flashed a smile. "I'll help. You can stay at my place. I warn you, Richard lives there too. And Aidan and Martin as well at the moment, Aidan got thrown out of his apartment and Martin is renovating his. But other than that I think we can squeeze you somewhere and figure out what's going on." 

The amount of joy and relief directed to him was overhwelming. As soon as Thorin had thanked Dean with a small smile, everyone started yelling their thanks, Kili even walking up and giving Dean a hug. 

"We are grateful of your generosity," Bard said. "And we-" 

Dean's phone started ringing. The dwarves and their companions fell silent, looking bewildered and staring at Dean, who had just started ringing. Dean grinned, digging up his phone and bringing it up to his ear. Then he got a better idea. If these truly were the dwarves of Erebor, they would not know what a phone was. He put the call on speaker. 

"Hi Richard," he said to the phone with a smile. 

"Dean, are you aware of the time?" Richard's voice said, and Dean nearly laughed at the faces around him. Everyone looked like they could faint, and many were looking between Thorin and the small device. Richard sounded exactly like Thorin. 

"I am. Sorry. I went to get some mushrooms. From the forest." Dean said. 

"The forest? But it's dark in there. Are you allright?" Richard sounded like he hardly believed what he heard. 

"I'm fine. Ran into some friends. We'll have guests tonight. Oh and, I didn't get any mushrooms." Dean deflated like a balloon at the last words, but Richard laughed shortly at the other end. 

"That's fine. Main thing is that you aren't dead under some tree. Come home and bring those friends of yours." 

"Thanks." Dean grinned. "See you soon!" He ended the call and stuffed the phone back to his pocket. 

"How is it possible that Uncle was there?" Kili asked, almost sniffing Dean's pocket. "Let me see!" 

"Not now," Dean said. "We have to go. And it wasn't Thorin. It was Richard." 

"Who is Richard?" Kili asked, hands gripping the hem of Dean's shirt. "He sounded like Uncle!" 

"Yes well, don't I sound like your brother?" Dean smiled, and Kili looked up at him. "I also have a feeling my friend Aidan might sound just like you." 

Kili looked confused, when a soft whimper was heard from the back of the group. Fili was kneeling on the ground, the running having not done any good to his broken ribs. 

Kili disappeared from in front of Dean and appeared again next to his brother, hovering over Fili with a startled and worried expression on his face. 

"Uncle!" He nearly shouted, but Thorin was already there. They both crouched down and lifted Fili up like a child, and the Heir was red like a tomato. 

"I'm FINE, let me walk, I can walk!" Fili said, but everyone ignored him. 

"Which way?" Balin asked. "We need to get Fili somewhere safe." 

Dean nodded. "This way." He started walking back to where he had been running, and everyone followed, Bard walking right at his side.

The night was silent and dark. Apart from their footsteps Dean heard absolutely nothing, like they would've been inside their very own world. He heard no birds anymore either, and Bard was frowning next to him. 

"Birds are gone," he said quietly. "It means a storm is coming." 

"It's often quite stormy here," Dean shrugged. "We'll be back before it." He pointed at the black car in front of them. It had been quite hidden in the shadows, but now everyone saw it, and they stopped. Dean continued walking, not noticing he wasn't followed. 

"This is my car. I don't know how we'll fit in, but-" his voice faded as he reached the car and held out a hand to open the door that had eaten the previous man so brutally, without a sound. Was Dean trying to kill himself? What was wrong with humans here, rushing to their deaths?

Thorin watched all this with horror. He could not let Dean be eaten by that metal beast.  
"Dwalin," he said hastily, and the warrior stepped forward to help Fili as Thorin rushed towards Dean, everyone else too afraid and too shocked to move. 

••••••

Dean took the handle and started pulling at the door, when someone grabbed him and threw him backwards, away from his car. Dean stumbled, surprised to see Thorin with his sword drawn. 

"What's wrong?" Dean asked, looking around for bears or something equally bad. There was nothing apart from the company and him. "What is it?" 

"Don't let it kill you!" Thorin said, looking from Dean to the car. Dean understood, and he had to mask his laughter as a bad cough. 

"It's a car, Thorin." He said, hand in front of his mouth to cover his smile. "It's not alive." 

The company, hearing Dean's words, came slowly forward, warily looking at the car like it could jump and kill them any second now. 

"Not alive?" Thorin frowned. "Your car is dead? We saw another today, and it was very much alive." 

"Yes, well you could say it's ALIVE." Dean said. "But only if I start it. It's mine. I control it. I swear to you, it is quite safe. And you need to get in." 

Every face turned to Dean, looking absolutely mortified. "No way." Dwalin said. "I'm not going to be eaten." 

"It doesn't eat you." Dean rolled his eyes. "Look." He walked past Thorin and pulled the door open. Inside the company could see a wheel, some buttons and soft-looking seats. No teeth, nothing...living.

"Now get in. It's the only way I can get you home." Dean said. "Give Fili to me, he can sit in the front." 

"No way you are taking him away from me!" Kili said, eyes flashing angrily, and his hands tightened around Fili, who winced quietly. 

"I'm not taking anyone away-" 

"I said NO. I'm going with Fili." Kili said. Dean sighed, walking around the car and opening the other door. "Get in then. Bard, if you could open the other doors? All of you, I know it's a small car, it's designed for five only, but you'll just have to fit now." 

Bard walked to the car, found the handle easily and opened the door. He peaked in and his face fell. "We will NOT fit in here." 

"There's the trunk too. It's only a short trip, you'll manage." Dean said, voice muffled as he attempted to fasten the seatbelt around the brothers, Kili eyeing it suspiciously and Fili just looking a bit pained and mystified. "This is to keep you on spot." Dean said, leaning back out. He shut the door and walked back to the other side, where the rest were fighting for the seats. 

Thorin was already in the car, sitting right behind Fili and Kili, looking like he would rather be in Smaug's stomach at the moment. Bilbo was squeezed against him, looking extremely awkward and uncomfortable. Balin and Bifur were next, and Ori climbed over them to sit in Thorin's feet. 

"Sorry.." Ori mumbled as he sat on Thorin's boots on the floor. Thorin just grunted. 

Nori, being quite slim, fit into Balin's and Bifur's feet, and the rest were climbing into the trunk. Bard's head, his hair a bit messy now, peaked from behind the back seats.  
"This is the weirdest thing I've done." He announced, grunting as Bombur and Dwalin along with Bofur, Dori, Gloin and Oin stuffed themselves into the trunk, squeezing the bowman against the window. Dean made sure no one's feet were out before he slammed the trunk door shut. Then he walked to the front seat, next to Fili and Kili and sat down. Kili had shifted, Fili now sitting on his lap, head resting against Kili's shoulder. 

Dean started the car, feeling how everyone held their breath as he started driving. When nothing happened, the company seemingly relaxed, starting to complain about the horrible space issue of the car. Dean was pretty sure he heard Thorin cursing. Wanting to hear something else than ten dwarves cursing and kicking, he turned to the brothers. 

"So. Are you the little brother?" Dean asked Fili. It seemed so. The book said so, and the way Kili looked after Fili. Also, Fili was shorter, though that said nothing, not really. 

"No." Fili grinned a little. "I'm the older one." 

"Oh." Dean laughed. "Seems like J.R.R. Tolkien didn't get everything right after all." He yelped as someone kicked on his seat with enough force to kick in a door.

"Guys!" Dean yelled, and everyone fell silent immediately. Dean flashed an angry look at them from the mirror. "Behave! I said, it's a short trip! Seriously, I didn't come here today prepared to get fifteen extras home at the end of the day, so show some gratitude! And quit kicking my seat! If I'm caught with you, the cops will put me into jail or take my licence." He listened to the muttered apologies with an inward grin. 

"What are cops?" Kili asked quietly. Fili had fallen asleep, hand squeezing Kili's, and Dean smiled, lowering his voice. 

"Police. They are sort of the guardians of the law. They make sure people obey the law. Gosh that sounds horrible like that." He laughed. 

"What licence would they take away?" 

"My driver's licence. Then it would be no more driving a car for me. And they'd probably put you guys to jail." 

"Why?" Kili arched an eyebrow. 

"Because you are...dwarves of Erebor." Dean sighed. Kili frowned, turning to look out from the window. 

"Your world is weird." The dwarf said, leaning his head against Fili's. 

"It is."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter we'll see how Richard, Martin and Aidan react to their doppelgangers, what Kili thinks of Aidan and Thorin of Richard and Bilbo of Martin, and of course what happens to Fili :D


	3. Breathtaking beards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richard and Aidan meet their doppelgangers... Let's say that Richard is A LOT calmer than Aidan... XDD though the circumstances are different.   
> Oh and Thorin is NOT AMUSED. And Kili is defeated by an opponent no one saw coming. Two, actually...

"Are we there yet?" 

Dean rolled his eyes and held back a deep sigh. It was the fifth time Dwalin had asked that. Of course it was understandable, Dwalin was in a very uncomfortable position, face pressed against Bard's back. Bard had tried to move a bit, but it only resulted in a howled curse as his leg protested the movement, being stuck under the others sharing the trunk. Thorin, who seemed to be deep in thought, had flinched visibly at the noise, his head snapping back to see if everyone was allright, that the car wasn't trying to eat Bard. After all, the car COULD turn against Dean and eat all of them. 

"No, five minutes." 

"You said that five minutes ago." Dwalin growled. 

"No. Five minutes ago I said ten minutes. And I might drive faster but I really have to avoid the cops." Dean frowned and glanced at Dwalin from the mirror. The warrior looked furious. 

"I could get rid of the cops if they bothered us," Dwalin offered grimly. 

"That would result in more cops. And jail for all of us. So no thanks." Dean said equally angrily. He had decided. He would NEVER drive this bunch anywhere again. 

"Excuse me," Ori's voice asked politely. Dean could not see him, as Ori had pressed himself against the backdoor, trying not to sit on Thorin's boots. "But I feel quite uncomfortable." 

"Oh, yeah, I forgot-" Dean kept his eyes on the road as he leaned to the side and slid the front seat forward. He had forgotten that was possible, and because Kili and Fili were so short it wouldn't matter. 

Fili was still asleep, but Kili looked positively shocked as their seat suddenly moved forward. Dean gave him a soothing smile. Kili looked so much like Aidan, even the expressions were exactly the same. Dean knew he himself was quite a bit different from the blond dwarf in personality, but he felt like Aidan and Kili would be identical in that way as well. 

"Better?" He asked Ori, and got a muffled 'yes' in response. "Sorry I didn't understand to do it immediately." 

"I've had worse," Ori answered, his head peaking at Dean. "I rode a barrel down a river once." 

Dean grinned. "Oh yeah. That was Bilbo's idea wasn't it?" 

"E-excuse me!" Bilbo said, still pressed between Balin and Thorin, his face as red as his jacket. "It was the only way out of there!" 

"I know." Dean nodded. "It was a brilliant idea." 

"I still do not understand," Thorin said suddenly. "How you know all this about us." His blue eyes were locked into the back of Dean's head, and Dean felt them drilling a hole through his skull. 

"As...as I said. I've read the book. It tells your story, from the beginning of this quest to its-" Dean's eyes widened. "End." Only now he remembered how the quest ended in the book. He remembered when he had been a little boy and he had cried himself to sleep after he had finished the story. He glanced at the brothers next to him. Kili had closed his eyes, arms around his big brother and looking tired but content, head pressed into Fili's golden hair. Fili looked peaceful, the pain gone from his face, one hand squeezing Kili's even in sleep. 

"That.." Bilbo's eyes lit up. "That must mean, we are in the future!" He laughed. "That must be my book then! I have been thinking of writing this story down if I ever get home again! Is it my book?" 

Dean swallowed and smiled at the hobbit. "Yes, it must be your book then." Of course it wasn't Bilbo's book. And this wasn't the future. Or maybe...maybe it was. What if Tolkien had just found Bilbo's book? Read it and decided to pass on the historical story, not more than a tale now when Middle Earth along with its elves, hobbits, wizards and dwarves was gone? "Yes, I think it is." 

"Wonderful!" Bilbo looked like he had forgotten the awkwardeness of the situation, squeezing Thorin's sleeve. "How does it end?"

Dean inhaled sharply. "I can't tell. I can't mess with history like that. You have to live it." Wow. He sounded like Gandalf. But he would NOT tell the dwarves what would happen. Thorin might send his nephews home to protect them but he would not abandon the quest himself. He would not believe. Dean would talk about it to Richard and the others, try to come up with something. 

"Mr. O'Gorman is right," Balin said. "We will not ask about our future, Bilbo." 

"Very well." Bilbo nodded. "But can you tell me the name of the book?" 

Dean thought about it. He could hardly say 'the Hobbit', since the story was mostly about the dwarves, Bilbo was the one who told it. And Thorin might not be very pleased. 

"There and Back Again." He said finally. He felt like crying even when Bilbo laughed and the others congratulated him for the success of his book, and Bilbo wondered aloud how it had lasted so long.

"Dwalin, we are home!" Dean announced, happy to get out of the situation. He parked the car at the yard of a nice old brownstone, not near the central London and peaceful because of that. At the moment there was no one around, and Dean was grateful of that. How could he ever explain his companions to the neighbors? "You'll find the handles near the seats in front of you. Pull them and the doors open. Bard, you can't open the trunk from inside, I'll come to open it for you. Kili-Kili," Dean poked at the sleeping dwarf, and instantly Kili was awake, a dagger appearing in his hand as he stared at the blond furiously. Then he remembered where he was and relaxed, flashing Dean an apologetic grin. 

"Sorry. Reflexes." He let Dean open the seatbelt, and proceeded to wake up his brother. Fili mumbled something incoherent, trying to brush Kili off, his head lolling back when Kili tried to push him to stand. 

"Uncle, I need a hand," Kili said, and Thorin grunted something from the back where he was stuck as Ori struggled to open the door. "Mahal, Ori, pull the handle and be done with it. My nephew needs me," Thorin said after a while, but Ori was saved as Dean opened the door, having let Dwalin and the others out of the trunk. Ori fell to the ground with a yelp, but looked very relieved, stumbling up and to his brothers. Thorin stepped out and circled around Dean to where Kili had not moved yet. 

"What's wrong?" He asked, Dwalin and Balin soon standing next to him. Dean was supporting Bard who couldn't feel his leg after having six dwarves in gear sitting on it for twenty minutes. 

"Fili." Kili said shortly. "Dean, I need bandages. We need to do something so that the broken ribs don't move." 

Dean nodded. Bard grinned at him and leaned against the car. "Go, I'll stand right here." 

Dean rushed past Dwalin who had picked Fili up like he was a small kid, Fili's hand coming up to curl into the fur of Dwalin's coat.   
"Follow me, all of you, and close the doors." Dean ordered, jogging up the steps to the porch and starting to look for his keys. 

Turned out he didn't need them. A shadow appeared behind the window on the door and the handle was pushed down--Dean jumped back as the door opened, Richard stepping to the porch and halting in front of the company. 

Dwalin nearly dropped Fili, who woke with a yelp at the sudden pull of gravity, even if Dwalin did fix his posture before Fili could fall. Dean heard Bard huff a laugh. Kili inhaled sharply, nearly cracking his neck at the attempt to look straight into Richard's face. Fili looked from his brother to the cause of the sudden surprise, and his mouth dropped open, much as it had when Dean had appeared from the forest. 

Richard looked at all of the dwarves, clearly amazed and maybe a little bit amused as his eyes met Dean's. 

"Some friends?" He asked, and upon hearing his voice--identical to Thorin's, and now not even through the phone--the dwarves all straightened their postures. That was what they did whenever Thorin appeared to the room or wherever the dwarves were--they knew Richard wasn't Thorin, that Richard wasn't even a King, but the whole situation was messing with their heads. 

"Yes. Well... We will explain. You just have to keep your mind open." Dean said, and Richard nodded slowly, looking curiously at Thorin. "It's as open as it gets," he murmured, holding the door open. "Come on in." 

The company did as Richard told without a question, confused to hear the voice of their leader like that. They walked straight to the cozy living room, where Dwalin put Fili down on the couch as gently as a warrior could. 

The living room was quite big, Dean's favorite part of the house. There was an enormous fireplace at the far wall, a big, soft couch and two armchairs placed in front of it. On the side table there was a tray with crystal glasses and a bottle of whiskey. The tv was hidden in a shelf that opened with a push of a button. Richard walked straight to the high, narrow windows and drew the curtains in front of them, leaving only the window that led to their own yard open. 

"Mrs. Harriet has been giving us trouble," he smiled. "She likes to borrow sugar." 

"She doesn't even drink tea," Dean mumbled, "I'll go get the bandages."

Richard frowned as he was left alone with the strange bunch of people. He looked them over again, feeling just a bit uneasy under the stares. 

Thorin, Kili and Dwalin stood very near to the couch where Fili had craned his neck so that he could see whatever was happening. The others stood in front of the fire, except Bard, who had sat on one of the armchairs and was tending to his leg. He too was determined never to get into a car again. At least not with dwarves. 

"Why do you need bandages?" Richard asked the dwarves. The blond one looked like he was injured, now grinning apologetically at the brunette who had turned to him. 

"My nephew," Thorin said, and Richard flinched, "is hurt. We are sorry to bother you-" 

"It's not a bother." Richard waved a hand. "It's fine." He decided to have a word with Dean. There had been no warning about any doppelgangers. Doppelgangers with breathtaking beards and quite the magnificent moustache.

•••••••

Thorin looked at the new man, Richard, with a blank expression that covered the storm of thoughts inside his head. If Richard was to grow his hair and beard long he'd be identical to the King. His voice was the same, and he had been quite calm about the dwarves too, not fainting ungracefully like Dean had. But Thorin wasn't sure if he had wanted to have a doppelganger in this other world. 

Richard seemed to think something like that too. His face said nothing, but since it was like looking into a mirror Thorin could read his mind. Richard didn't enjoy the idea of a doppelganger either. 

"Uncle-" it was Fili. Grateful to have a reason to stop staring Thorin turned to his eldest nephew and gave him one of his rare smiles. 

"What is it?" 

"Nothing big, just..." Fili glanced at Kili, who was shaking his head furiously. "Could you tell my brother I'm not dying? He's not taking my word." 

Thorin huffed, glaring at Kili. "Kili, go and sit next to Bard. You are of no use if you just stand there and tell people they are dying." 

"But uncle!" Kili said. "What if one of the broken ribs pierces his lung? He WILL die, and I can't-" 

"Mahal!" Thorin said angrily. "What is this? Can you not be positive? Fili is fine. As fine as he can be." 

"He says so because he doesn't want to seem weak in front of you!" Kili said, just as angry as Thorin. "He has always done that." 

"By Mahal's beard, brother," Fili gasped from the couch. "Think a little." He didn't feel like his brother could take him seriously, not while he was lying on a couch like a corpse. 

Kili snarled and walked to Bard, attempting to sit on the armchair. There was a weird kind of stick on the side of the chair, and Kili grabbed it for support to jump up. It wasn't his best idea. Turned out the stick was to open some sort of leg-piece on the chair, and it shot up, hitting into Kili's chest and the dwarf went stumbling down, defeated by a chair. 

"Kili, are you allright?" Fili asked from the couch. 

"I'm FINE," Kili growled, embarrassed, and his foul mood just got worse when he noticed Richard was still there. Kili rushed past him and out of the room. 

"If he broke a rib you'll have to move, lad," Dwalin said darkly. "We'll soon have a line'ere. Watch out for that chair. It's armed." 

••••••

Aidan whistled happily as he stepped out of the bathroom, towel around his hips. He had slept all day and felt fresh and new after a shower. But now he was hungry like a wolf. 

"Richard?" He shouted. "Martin? Is Dean back yet?" He got no answer and shrugged, deciding not to bother with clothes. The towel was just enough, and he was apparently alone. What harm would there be? 

Aidan continued whistling as he made his way downstairs, wet, dark curls dripping water. Thinking he was alone he lit a cigarette, inhaling deeply and smiling. Martin didn't approve of smoking inside, but if he wasn't home it didn't matter. 

Aidan trotted down the corridor towards the kitchen door. He passed the livingroom doorway without noticing the people inside, just as they didn't notice him, and continued to the kitchen, walking in and straight to the fridge. Nothing seemed out of place to him before he heard a gasp. 

Startled, having thought he was alone, Aidan shut the fridge and turned towards the table. On one of the chairs sat a short young man, clad in odd clothes and staring at Aidan with wide, brown eyes. 

A man who looked just like Aidan. 

A man who WAS Aidan. 

Their eyes met, and when Aidan saw his own shock reflected on the other's face he shouted, grabbing the closest thing from the counter--it was a bowl full of fresh salad--and threw it. He knew his aim was perfect. 

And he felt weird, seeing the bowl hit his own face.


	4. Painkillers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So. Aidan and Martin get to hear the story, and they believe it immediately--I mean seriously, if you meet your dwarf doppelganger you WILL believe whateverthehelltheysay xDD

Kili didn't have time to react. The bowl came through the air like a rock, and he was too surprised to move or even raise his hands to protect his face. So when the bowl hit him it hit his face, square in the middle, and Kili stumbled down from the chair with a shout, covered in salad. He felt blood pouring down his face, from what he assumed was a broken nose. 

"Ouch," he huffed, raising the bowl from his face and throwing it to the side. He had often gotten bruises and minor wounds from his sparring lessons with Dwalin or Uncle, so he didn't flinch at the sight of blood quickly spreading on his tunic. But he had never broken a bone and it hurt. Mahal it was painful. 

"You didn't have to do that!" Kili said angrily, peaking at the man in a towel. The man was still standing next to the counter, still looking horrified. Kili too had been shocked to see Aidan, but he had already seen Fili's and Thorin's doppelgangers, so he hadn't been so surprised. "I would not have thrown a bowl." He continued, just as Thorin and Dwalin rushed into the kitchen, having been alarmed by both Aidan's and Kili's shout--they had the same voice, so the dwarves had thought something absolutely terrible was happening. 

Thorin looked from his bloodied nephew--and there was salad too--to the other one in the room. Like Kili, he had been expecting to see more doppelgangers, but it was nearly amusing how much this one resembled Kili. Same, quite long brown hair, same enormous brown eyes and same stubble that, in Kili's case, refused to grow. But this man was clad in even weirder clothes than Dean or the strange boy. He was actually wearing nothing but a towel around his hips, and now the towel had slid down a little, revealing the man's hip bones. 

Dwalin crouched down next to Kili and picked up a salad, staring at it with disgust. 

"You could eat at the table." The warrior said. "And what have I told you about eating grass? See, it got your nose bleeding." 

"My nose is BROKEN, thank you very much," Kili mumbled as Thorin too crouched down in front of him, gently raising his head to inspect the damage. 

"It needs fixing. Go to your brother and have Oin or Dean do something about it." Thorin smiled, and Kili nodded, standing up and flashing a small grin at Aidan before leaving the room. 

Thorin stood back up, turning to the man in towel. 

"You must be Aidan." He said, with a voice he believed was very friendly. 

••••••

Aidan stared at the new short man with long black hair, and then at the other one with two axes. The black haired one was growling something at him, and a horrible thought hit Aidan like a wave. 

What if these little people had murdered Richard and Martin? And maybe even Dean if Dean had returned at a bad time? And now, now they would kill Aidan as well. Aidan would die in a towel. No way. 

Aidan opened his mouth to say something, when he heard a laugh from the living room. Dean's laugh. 

Good God he's alive, Aidan thought, searchig for a weapon as the two dwarves stared at him. He needed to buy time. 

"So," he said. "Who are you and what are you doing here?" He tried to take a step towards the knives, laid nicely at the far end of the counter, but the bald dwarf growled and he stopped. 

"I am Thorin Oakenshield," the black haired dwarf said with an amused smile. "And this is Dwalin." 

"Dwalin. Dwalin what?" Aidan asked, feeling not-so-heroic in a towel that was constantly trying to slide down his legs to the floor. Maybe he had lost a few pounds when he had been startled by his pocket-sized version. "Got a last name?" 

"Not for your ears, laddie," Dwalin said. Aidan smiled a little. 

"Whatever. What are you doing here?" 

"We..." Thorin seemed to find the question not so easy to answer. "We were invited by Dean. And Richard too." 

"Are you telling me you aren't Richard's... Evil dwarf-cousin or something?" Aidan asked, looking at the dwarf. Thorin huffed angrily. 

"I am not-" he was interrupted by Dean who shot into the room, his hands and the front of his shirt bloodied. He froze to the doorway at the sight of salad on the floor and Thorin and Dwalin, who had driven Aidan into a corner. 

"Food fight?" He asked weakly. "Just so you know, Martin made that salad and he will not be pleased-" 

"Dean!" Aidan shouted. "Quick! Hit them unconscious and we can escape! Let's give them the house!" 

"What?" Dean's eyes widened. "No, no, Aidan, listen, these are-" 

"You are covered in BLOOD!" Aidan said, pulling up the towel again. "These dwarves are dangerous! Just like that squirrel you brought home two months ago and who ate all my socks!" 

"It DIED because of that! And it was your fault, leaving your socks lying around." Dean frowned. 

"I wasn't aware squirrels ate socks." Aidan mumbled. 

"ANYWAY." Dean said and sighed. "These people are perfectly safe. Don't worry at all. I offered to help them, everyone's allright--this isn't my blood." 

"Whose blood-"

"Is Kili allright?" 

Dean looked at both Aidan and Thorin and decided to answer the dwarf first. 

"Kili is fine. I came here for some painkillers--both brothers have broken bones and it hurts." He turned to Aidan. "Uhm... Go put some clothes on and come down to the living room. Richard is there too. If you see Martin tell him to come as well. We'll explain this ONCE and I want everyone to be there then." 

Aidan nodded, walking to Dean and past him, glaring the dwarves suspiciously. "What about the ones who don't live here? I can swear that Graham-" 

"Just go," Dean huffed. "Graham is in Los Angeles at the moment remember? We deal with it when he returns." 

"Okay." Aidan shrugged, hurrying out of the room. Dean walked to the counter and started to pull open boxes at random. He never seemed to remember where they kept the medicine, even if he did have to bring some painkillers to Aidan whenever the guy woke up with a hellish hangover. 

"What are painkillers?" Dwalin asked, and as Dean turned he noticed Thorin had left, leaving the warrior to keep him company. 

"They are these small pills. We take them when we are in pain--headache or some other--and it helps. Usually." 

"What if it doesn't?" 

"Then nothing. Then it just doesn't. Then I guess we'll go get stronger ones. But there really is no danger in these. Everyone uses them." Dean smiled, finding the right package and waving it in front of Dwalin. "Here. Let's go." 

They walked to the living room, where Kili sat at the other end of the couch, Fili's head on his lap. There was a fairly big, white bandage on Kili's nose, and already the dark bruises were forming under his eyes. He smiled at Dean. 

"Hiya. Did you get the medicine? It feels like someone punched my nose in." 

"I have them. What actually happened in there?" Dean asked with a frown, taking two pills and giving them to the brothers. Both struggled a little to get them down. 

"Uhm... I guess Aidan was a bit...surprised." Kili shrugged. "Mahal I feel like dying." 

"Don't say that," Fili said wearily, and Kili shot him a grin. 

"Did he hit you?" Dean asked. "I mean, no offense to him, when he gets scared he's not the fastest guy to attack." 

"He didn't hit me. He threw grass in a bowl." Kili shrugged. 

Dean stared. Martin's gourmet-salad had just been called 'grass in a bowl'. He snorted, and got a weird look from Bard. "Oh, Bard, how's the leg? Do you want a painkiller?" Dean asked. 

"Yes why not," Bard shrugged, taking the pill and throwing it into his mouth without a second thought. 

•••••••

"Martin!" Aidan whispered loudly, knocking at the other man's door. "Martin! Martin! MARTIN." 

"For heaven's sake what's wrong?" Martin pulled the door open, only to be pushed back in by Aidan who looked panicked. "What?" 

"Dwarves have taken the house!" Aidan said. "They have Dean and Richard! They are dressed like in a history book and they have weapons and Dean was all covered in blood! I threw salad at one of them!" 

Martin stared at Aidan. "Wait, what? Is that a towel there on the floor? And are you talking about MY salad?" He watched as Aidan grabbed the towel and tied it around his hips again. 

"Your salad, my salad, whatever." Aidan frowned. "Did you hear nothing? DWARVES." 

"They are as human as we are," Martin said patiently. "Let's go and see." He tried to get to the door but Aidan stopped him. 

"There's more. The dwarf...that got your salad...he had MY face. And another had Richard's face. And the third had Graham's face. And I mean IDENTICAL." 

"What? Oh come on. You should quit drinking, boy." Martin sighed, opening the door. "Put some clothes on, I'll go check." 

"I don't drink! I'm not drunk! Wait!" Aidan huffed angrily as Martin disappeared to the stairs. Great. Though he could change into clothes. If he was to die he did NOT want to die in a towel. 

•••••••

Dean was just placing a blanket on Bard--the bowman had fallen asleep--when Martin walked in. The man stopped, rubbed his eyes and looked again, getting paler by second. 

"Martin! Where's Aidan?" Richard rose from the chair next to Bard's. "Dean said you'll both be coming here. These guests of ours have some explaining to do." 

"Yes, they--is that ME?" Martin asked, spotting Bilbo by the fire. Bilbo's eyes widened and he nearly stepped into the fireplace. Good for him Bofur was quick to pull him back. 

"No. That's Bilbo Baggins. Where is Aidan? We need to get this done." Dean said, just as Aidan walked in, finally in clothes. He was smoking a cigarette, but for the first time Martin said nothing. Actually, he grabbed the cigarette to himself and inhaled deeply. 

"Okay, good, you are here. Take a seat." Dean said, and both Martin and Aidan slid to the floor, staring suspiciously at the dwarves. 

"Thorin? Do you want to start?" Dean asked, and Thorin nodded, taking a step forward. 

"I am Thorin Oakenshield," he said, his voice creating a silence that had probably never before been heard in that house. "And these are my kin, and a hobbit and a man, all part of my company. Not long ago we started on a quest to reclaim our home, Erebor, back from Smaug the dragon. We were nearly there." He frowned. "We had just left Lake Town with Bard, and made camp into a small forest near Erebor. It wasn't even a forest really, just a few trees and plants. We went to sleep. And woke up here, a little bit outside of London. We were lucky to run into Dean, who was kind to offer us his help. That is why we are here. Why you all look like us we do not know more than you do. It is an odd coincidence, but so is the fact that we ended up in London from Erebor. As far as I know we are in a different world entirely." 

"Dean, isn't this called cosplay?" Martin asked, staring at Thorin. 

"No. I thought so too at first, but it can't be." Dean said, proceeding to tug at one of Fili's braids, gently but hard enough to prove they were real. "Look at the height. The clothes. The weapons. The way they look like us, exactly like us, is not normal either. They truly are what they say they are." 

"But that's from a BOOK." Aidan said weakly. 

"Yes, my book." Bilbo said. "There and Back Again." 

"What? No, it's the Ho-" Aidan swallowed the rest at the look he got from Dean. "Nevermind. Your book?" 

"Yes. I am planning on writing our story down when I get back home. And apparently it lasts." Bilbo smiled. He walked up to Martin and held out his hand. "I believe you are my doppelganger. Nice to meet you." 

Martin took the hand and shook it. "Martin Freeman. And I definetly believe so." He smiled a little too. 

Kili pressed a quick kiss on Fili's forehead before jumping down from the couch, wincing a little, and then walking up to Aidan. 

"I'm sorry about earlier. I should've made myself...visible to you. I'm Kili." 

Aidan grinned, at the same time as Kili, and they looked like twins. "Aidan Turner. And I'm sorry too. About the bowl. Is your nose broken?" 

"Yeah. But I've had worse. I got an arrow into my knee once. It was full of orc poison." 

"No way, seriously?" Aidan asked as Kili sat down opposite to him. "Holy fuck. I've only broken my arm once. How did you survive?" 

Kili started his survival story, Aidan looking at him like he had seen something incredibly amazing and interesting. Dean grinned and turned to the others. 

"I guess no more explaining is needed." 

"Nope." Martin said. "Bilbo, want to help me prepare a new salad?" 

"Gladly." Bilbo said, and the two disappeared into the kitchen, talking about what sounded like Middle Earth compared to Great Britain.

Richard stood up as well, glancing towards Thorin. "I'll head to bed now. I have to wake up at four. We have that big client coming to visit tomorrow and guess who they put in charge." He smiled crookedly. "Good night all of you." 

"Night!" Everyone answered at the same time. Richard raised an eyebrow, waved a hand and left the room. 

"Okay guys. I'll get you something to sleep on." Dean announced happily. "Fili, would you be okay if I moved the couch a little? I can open it into a bed that takes at least four of you...if you remove all those furs." 

The dwarves muttered as they took their jackets off, laying them into a corner. Kili shot up from his place next to Aidan when he saw Fili sitting up. 

"What are you doing? Stay down!" He said, trying to push Fili back. "You'll just hurt yourself!" 

"I'm FINE, stay back a little will you?" Fili grunted, but accepted Kili's hand. Dean looked at the brunette with an apologetic smile. 

"Sorry. I need to open the couch so that you'll have a place to sleep on." 

"The lads and Thorin will sleep there," Balin announced. He and Dwalin had found the extra mattresses with a little help from Aidan, and had laid them down along with the furs to make a nice and cozy little corner. 

"Okay," Dean nodded, arranging the pillows comfortably and helping Kili to get Fili back up again. Fili looked almost angry. 

"I hate when you act like I'm a kid." He growled, and Kili smiled. 

"You are always my hero, Fee," he said. "But sometimes even you need some help. Now move there, I'll take the corner." 

"What? I don't want to sleep in the middle! You'll crush me." Fili said but moved obediently and laid down. "A hero you say. Jerk." 

"Ass." Kili said affectionately and laid down next to his brother, already yawning and narrowing his eyes as his nose hurt. 

"Good night Dean!" They all said in unison as Dean turned off the light. He felt like a parent putting his kids to sleep, and the thought made him smile.

"Night!" 

••••••••

Thorin woke up at the same time as Richard left to work. He always slept with one eye open, so to say, mainly to be able to protect his nephews, who could sleep through an orc-attack. 

Speaking of his nephews, the couch felt a bit more...empty than it had. Thorin remembered having had difficulties in falling asleep, Fili pressed against his back. Fili had broken ribs and Thorin was unable to even move his head, afraid he'd hurt his nephew. But now Fili was apparently gone from behind him. 

Thorin turned and frowned at the two crumpled furs next to him. Both Fili and Kili were gone. 

"Fili? Kili?" Thorin asked as loud as he dared, sitting up. The brothers were nowhere to be seen, but there was something...odd on the armchair where Bard had been sleeping. The bowman too was gone, but a small form slept where he had been. Thorin jumped down from the couch and walked towards the chair, narrowing his eyes to see in the dark. 

He nearly shouted in surprise, but held it back. His eyes widened and he took one step closer. But no matter how quiet he tried to be, Dwalin was up in a second, looking around and spotting Thorin. 

"What is-" he fell quiet, staring at the chair in front of Thorin. His eyes widened as well, and all air escaped his lungs in a single huff.

"Mahal."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohh I know it's a cliffhanger!! XD oops sorry!!


	5. Trouble everywhere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What has happened? What WILL happen? And what on earth is a vacuum cleaner?!

Little Bard stared back at Thorin with big, startled eyes. Thorin was certain it WAS Bard, since the kid had eyes the color of the sea and black hair that curled rather wildly around his face. He was even wearing Bard's clothes, now way too big on him, only his head poking out. 

"Erm... Do you recognize me?" Thorin asked, leaning closer to the boy. Bard was tiny, he'd probably only reach Thorin's waist if he stood up. But, Thorin had to admit, the kid had eyes the size of two plates. 

"I want mom!" Little Bard whispered, shrinking back on the chair and staring at Thorin from under his long lashes that created fan-like shadows on his cheeks. Thorin fought the urge to curse. Mahal, he couldn't curse around a five year old child. But the situation was the worst. 

"Mahal," Dwalin repeated, leaning closer to the child, which naturally resulted in a scared whimper and a futile attempt to vanish through the back of the chair. Thorin grabbed Dwalin's shoulder and pulled him back. 

"Don't do that, you scare him." He said quietly. "We need to figure out what to do with this. He doesn't remember us." Thorin smiled softly at the kid and crouched down next to the chair. He might've been a king, a warrior and a leader, but he was also an uncle and had a soft spot for children. And Bard could've easily been a dwarfling--he was exceptionally small, probably because he had grown up with little food. 

"Hello, my name is Thorin Oakenshield. Who are you?" He asked, keeping his voice low and remembering to smile. Mahal knew he had the tendency to look quite angry if he didn't. 

"Bawd." Bard said with a sniff. Keeping a wary eye at Dwalin, who stood nearby, arms crossed across his chest, Bard leaned forward and shuffled towards Thorin, tripping over his own, too large clothes a few times. Finally he stopped, inches away from Thorin, who was eyeing the edge of the chair and bracing himself to catch the kid if he crawled too close. 

"I need help." Bard said, raising his hands, the sleeves of his shirt hanging uselessly over the arms of the chair, nearly three times too long for him. 

Thorin nodded, and rolled the sleeves up so the kid would have some use of his hands. "This is a problem." He said to Dwalin. "What caused this? Will this happen to someone else as well?" He imagined himself, back to being a five year old, and shuddered. 

"I don't know. I certainly hope he will be the only one." Dwalin grunted, looking around at the sleeping forms of the company. Everyone was just like they had been the previous night, except Fili and Kili, who were gone. "Where are the lads?" 

"What?" Thorin asked, distracted with the task of ripping the hem off of Bard's shirt to make it a short tunic for the child version. Bard was gripping Thorin's braids for some sort of support, and seemed to find them very interesting, giggling as he brushed the end of one of the braids across his face. 

"The lads. Fili and Kili. Where are they?" Dwalin asked, fighting not to laugh. 

"Oh, I don't know. They are old enough to do what they want, they are probably upstairs or outside." Thorin shrugged, smiling at Bard when he was done. "There. Do you want to come down?" 

Bard nodded, reaching up his hands, and Thorin picked him up, feeling somewhat nostalgic as he settled the kid on his arms, and Bard let out a happy sigh and cooed with the braids in his hands. 

"Don't you think it's suspiciously quiet if those two are awake?" Dwalin asked, turning his head away to hide the wide grin he had plastered on his face. Thorin was always so gruff and stressed, but didn't even frown when a small child was tugging at his braids, nearly eating them. 

"Now that you say so..." Thorin said thoughtfully. "Wake up, everyone!" He raised his voice, and the company jumped up, nearly in unison, forgetting where they were and looking around, confused to no end at finding Thorin standing in front of them, holding a kid who was eating one of his braids. 

"What's going on?" Bofur asked, straightening his hat and looking around with blurry eyes. "Who's the child?" 

"I think we all need to go to the kitchen, sit down and clear our heads." Thorin said. "We have a problem." 

"Clearly." Balin said, walking to Thorin and smiling at the child. "Who is this?" 

"Bawd." Bard said, clutching at Thorin's tunic. Balin's eyes widened, and he looked at Thorin, who could only shrug. "I don't understand any more than you do." 

"I am Balin," Balin said to the child, after shaking his head and giving up on trying to understand. "Aren't you a beautiful little one. Can I hold him?" 

Balin didn't notice the look that flashed across Thorin's face, a look that clearly said No, go find your own child, but Dwalin did, and he had to cough violently to hide his laughter. But the thought passed and Thorin nodded, reluctantly handing Bard over to Balin. It wasn't like he couldn't trust the old dwarf. But somehow it felt hard. 

"Just don't drop-" Thorin started, but was interrupted by a horrified shout. 

"Uncle!" 

Everyone turned to see Kili, who had made his way out from the furs Thorin had thought to be empty. Kili too was younger, but only by ten or twenty years, which made him fifty five. A mere teenager in dwarf years, but still capable of reasonable thinking. Though the small amount of stubble he had had was gone. His face was smooth like an elf's. And he looked horrified. 

"What happened to me?" He asked. "My nose isn't broken! It doesn't hurt! But I'm BALD!" 

"No!" Thorin said quickly. "You are not bald! But you don't have a beard anymore. Look, you aren't the only one, Bard here is five-" 

Kili looked at Balin and the small child on his arms, relief evident in his eyes. "Thank Mahal. I thought I'm going to die. Where's Fili?" He asked. When Thorin only shrugged and there was no blonde hair to be seen anywhere, Kili jumped up, panicked, and stomped over the furs, frantically searching for his brother. "Fee!" 

His search was done as he stepped on a particularly thick spot on the furs and was rewarded with an agonized scream. Faster than any dwarf had ever seen anyone work Kili dug into the furs, throwing pillows around and pulling the blankets aside, finally pulling out a little messy-looking dwarfling, maybe the size of a big loaf of bread. It was Fili, reduced to the age and size of a ten year old dwarfling--smaller than Bard, but practically the same age. His golden hair was a messy tangle after the night, and his enormous blue eyes were still half-lidded. He had been waken quite rudely, Kili stepping on him, and he sniffed, pressing himself tight against Kili and falling back to sleep. 

All this time Kili was quiet, more quiet than he had ever been, and now he looked at Thorin, squeezing his brother tight. "What's going on?" He asked. 

Thorin didn't want to show it, but he was terrified. He had hoped Fili and Kili would be allright. Kili was, in a way, reasonable, but why? Fili and Bard were the same age now, but Kili was only twenty years younger. 

"I don't know." Thorin said, flinching when Balin appeared next to him. Bard reached for Thorin's braids and Thorin picked him up from Balin again. The rest of the company stood still, unbelieving, looking from Bard to Kili and trying to see Fili, but Kili was hunched over his brother protectively and looked like he was going to be sick. 

"To the kitchen!" Balin announced, clapping his hands, and the moment of silence was over. Everyone started moving, making way to Kili who picked Fili up and followed Thorin and Bard, staring at his own, beardless face rather miserably as he passed the mirror in the hall. 

Bilbo took over in the kitchen, making sure everyone had a place around the table--they did, now that two were seated in someone else's lap--and then he started to dig through the pantry, relieved when he found out that the food in the future didn't differ much from the food of the past. It took him a good moment to figure out how to use the stove, but he did, preparing some tea and eggs, making a huge pile of bread on each plate, adding some eggs and putting something called yogurt into small bowls for each. He tasted it and it was quite good, though a bit thick for drinking. 

Meanwhile, as Bilbo prepared breakfast, the company sat and tried not to stare at Kili, Fili and Bard. Bard was laughing, bubbling with excitement as he had found Thorin's beard. He stood up on Thorin's lap, face to face with the King, and ran his tiny hands across the beard, laughing when it tickled. Thorin was quite startled at first, but he had to smile at the small face in front of him. He had lived so long with only the company of adults since his nephews had grown up, that he had forgotten how easy it was to make a kid happy. You only had to smile, or in this case, let them go through each of your braids. 

Fili woke up to Bard's laughter, rubbing his eyes and smiling up at Kili. "Kee," he said and reached his hands up, and Kili took them, wondering what he was supposed to do. Yes he could take care of Fili, it was his job, what he was supposed to do, what he would always do. But Fili had always been there to be wise and, well, older brother. Now Kili was older brother, in a sense. And he didn't know how, though at the moment Fili seemed content with just holding Kili's hands. 

"Cute," Bofur laughed from his seat, digging up his pipe. "But weird. What happened? Were did your beard go?" He asked Kili, who blushed and buried his smooth face into Fili's thick hair. 

"We don't know what happened." Thorin said. "We need to wake Dean and ask if he has any idea of this. Did you eat something last night?" He asked Kili, who frowned thoughtfully. 

"No. Well, yes, the painkillers. We ate them, you didn't." His eyes widened. "I believe Bard took one, Fili ate two and I ate only a half of one because it didn't hurt that much. You think that explains the age differences? Bard only needed one because well, he's a human and so younger than any of us. Fili took two so he fell back twice as much as Bard, and I only took half so I'm a teenager." He looked around, and received nods. Thorin smiled at him proudly. 

"Wise thinking," he said, and Kili grinned. Fili started laughing. "Kee, Kee, put me up!"  
"Where?" Kili asked, and Fili pointed at the table. Kili shrugged, picking Fili up and placing him on the table, far from the edge. Fili stood up, smiling at his brother. "I know you." He said. "But you are my baby brother." He tilted his head. 

"How..how can you know that?" Kili asked. 

"'Cuz you have no beard!" Fili giggled, trotting over the table to escape Kili's hands. Bofur roared with laughter, coughing at the smoke from his pipe, and thanked Bilbo as the breakfast was put in front of him. Kili fished his brother back to eat, frowning at the blonde. 

"Look, I have nine kinds of respect for you, Fili, but right at the moment not really. Would you calm down and eat quietly? I can't believe you were like this when you were small!" 

"Okay, Kee." Fili obeyed, reaching for the bread and starting to eat, smiling all the time but keeping quiet. 

Thorin wasn't as lucky as Kili. Fili did whatever Kili wanted him to, but Bard didn't even want a glance at the breakfast. 

"Never breakfast." He claimed, tugging almost painfully at Thorin's braid. "Never. Mommy says no breakfast." 

Thorin didn't have the nerve to start his own breakfast, afraid of what might be the result with the wiggling and struggling child constantly moving around in his lap. Bard huffed and puffed and nuzzled and scratched and slapped and moved and danced ALL THE TIME, and no one seemed to care to take care of him, no, everyone was smiling at the two of them. 

"Bard, now I say you can have breakfast." Thorin said. Bard was way too small for a human child, and why, by Mahal's beard, could he NOT eat? 

"Is your word bigger than mommy's?" Bard asked, tilting his head. 

"Well, at the moment, yes it is." Thorin said, hungry and a little irritated. Bard seemed to sense the change in the mood, going very still. His big eyes turned all glimmery and sad, and he said, very quietly;  
"You can have my breakfast too." 

Thorin looked down at him. "No, no, I don't want your breakfast! Oh Mahal," he sighed when Bard started crying. Fili flinched, looking at the other child curiously over his bread. "Why are you crying? I didn't mean-" Thorin took a deep breath. "I just want YOU to eat." 

"Why?" Bard asked, thudding his head against Thorin's chest. 

"Because you are a child. You need to eat so you grow up big and tall and strong." Thorin smiled, ruffling the kid's hair. "Now how does that sound?" 

"Good!" Bard said happily, wiping the tears into his sleeves and attacking the bread. 

"You are better in this than me," Kili's voice said, muffled. Fili had finished eating and had climbed on Kili's face, and Kili had a hand up and gripping Fili's tunic, trying to get him off. "I need some help." 

"I can't take care of two kids!" Thorin said, utterly horrified of the thought. "Each takes care of one. Fili is your responsibility." 

"He's your nephew!" Kili mumbled loudly and Fili giggled. 

"I am aware, thank you, Kili." Thorin said gruffly. "But he is your brother." 

"Thorin is right." Balin interrupted. "He cannot look after both of them. But we all will help the best we can! Most of us helped raise you two." He winked. "And-"

"What's going on?" It was Dean. He stood in the doorway, hair ruffled after sleep, eyes trying to focus on the scene in front of him. Bilbo hurried to plant a coffee cup on his hand. 

"Thanks." Dean said, surprised. "And I didn't know you had children with you." He tilted his head, and raised the coffee cup to his mouth. After a small sip he turned positively green, the cup dropping from his hand, the coffee spreading everywhere as he leaned forward and coughed, rushing to the sink and crashing another glass in a poor attempt to get water. Both Bofur and Bilbo were quick to help him, Bofur filling a glass with water and Bilbo hitting Dean's back. 

"What. Was. That?" Dean asked, panting, as he got the water down. 

Bilbo was red and looked like he'd pretty much happily wither and die. He shifted his left foot awkwardly. "Coffee?" 

"That...that was NOT coffee." Dean said. "Show me what you used." 

Bilbo retrieved a small package with no text on it from the counter and handed it to Dean. Dean flipped it open and smelled, the green returning momentarily on his face. 

"This is black pepper. Crushed black pepper." He said. "How can you mistake it-" 

"It looks like my coffee. I didn't smell it." Bilbo said defensively, just as Aidan trotted into the kitchen. His hair was pulled up from his face, on a small bun on top of his head. He was wearing nothing but a pair of shorts, his flat stomach in great display under the bright lights. He yawned, completely ignoring he had audience, and walked to the coffee. 

"Aid, don't-" Dean started, but damage was done. Aidan took a huge sip from his mug and swallowed. 

Everyone froze. 

But Aidan downed all of it, shuddered and grabbed a bread. "That truly woke me up." He commented. 

Dean looked like he was going to be very sick. He turned his attention from Aidan, who was sniffing at his coffee mug, back to the company. Each had magically abandoned their coffees, eyeing even the tea suspiciously.

"Now, what's with the kids?" 

"We were hoping you could explain us that." Thorin said. He had one arm around Bard, who was struggling to get a better look at the newcomers. "We assume this is because of the painkillers." 

"Painkillers? But, they don't- Oh lord Kili where's your beard?" Dean's eyes widened, and even Aidan turned curiously. Kili blushed. 

"I'm younger. Me, Bard and Fee. This is Fili. That's Bard." Kili pointed. "I ate only half of one, Bard ate a whole and Fili took two. That's the only explanation that makes any sense at all." Kili put Fili on the floor, and the dwarfling trotted to Aidan and pulled at his leg. 

"Kee!" Fili cooed. "With a beard!" 

"Now now!" Kili said warningly. "Don't anger me." 

"He is hairless." Fili whispered, but quite loudly, and Aidan snorted. 

"Am not!" Kili shouted. "My hair is longer than yours!" 

"Hairless!" Fili giggled, but went back to his brother and hugged his leg. 

"So..." Dean said slowly, watching Bard and Fili in turns and trying, out of politeness, not to pay attention to the child-faced Kili. "You say you think it's the painkillers?" 

"It must be," Bofur said with a nod. "No one else ate them and Kili had a pretty good theory of what had happened." 

"Yes. I take it you don't use same kind of medicine in...in Middle Earth?" Dean asked, running a hand through his tousled hair. 

"No. We don't have anything like those." Balin shook his head with a soft smile. "But no one is blaming anyone. How could anyone have guessed? We will figure this out. Until then...well, it's delightful to have children around." 

"It'd help if they remembered themselves." Thorin said grimly from his seat. "And what will we do today?" 

"I can't help." Dean said. "Martin's already at his house, keeping an eye on the progress. I have to go to work, and Aidan will leave soon enough to find himself another job." He nudged Aidan's shoulder. "With clothes on." 

"Certainly." Aidan said, fishing an egg from Dwalin's plate and grinning sheepishly when the warrior threw a piece of salad at him. 

"But DO NOT," Dean said loudly. "Destroy the place, please! I'm supposed to live here with Richard even after when we get you lot back home." 

"We'll behave." Balin said, smiling reassuringly, but even he wasn't certain what was going to happen. 

"Oh and, tonight Luke and Adam will come over for dinner. Be prepared...though Luke might not recognize his doppelganger. Not anymore." Dean grinned at Bard. Then he grabbed Aidan's arm and dragged him out of the room to dress up and take a shower. 

"Very well. Listen!" Thorin stood up. "We are guests in this house. Dean is our host, and what he says is as important as any order from me. We will not destroy the place while he is gone--he barely knows us yet he trusts us enough to leave his home to us. You think what you'd do if you left your home, and I mean home, Erebor, to someone else. Do you not think it would be-" 

"It already has someone else in it," Kili mumbled, and Thorin growled. He had completely forgotten Kili's annoying habit to think aloud. Kili had had it when he was a teenager, as he was now, but he had thankfully overgrown it. 

"Yes." Thorin said. "But you all know what I mean. Go. Balin, word with you." 

Balin stayed behind as everyone else left, eager and curious to hear what Thorin had to say. When the kitchen door closed, Thorin sat back down with a heavy sigh. 

"What are we going to do?" He asked, his voice breaking just a little bit. He never showed his uncertain side to anyone but Balin, who was his oldest friend. And the wisest one as well. 

Balin lay a hand on Thorin's shoulder and smiled. "We will wait. We might not have Gandalf here, but we are all together. Everyone is alive, and healthy, you can say. That is what matters." 

"I know. But I'm worried. This place is strange. What are these things?" Thorin pointed at the coffee machine, the fridge, the dishwasher that was slightly open, and the vacuum cleaner in the corner. "I've never seen anything like that." 

"I can't tell you what they are. But Bard seems interested." Balin smiled. Bard had climbed down from his place and was slowly walking towards the vacuum cleaner. There was a strange, long object coming from somewhere under it, and it was attached to a hole in the wall. Thorin stiffened a little, half up from the chair as Bard stopped right next to the machine. Sea green eyes were turned up to Thorin, as if for a permission, and then a tiny hand was raised to touch the strange object. 

It woke up. Suddenly the room was filled with unbearably loud, whiny growl, and Bard bounced backwards, screaming. Thorin jumped up from his chair and rushed to the kid, picking him up and pressing him against his chest. He managed to kick the weird machine, causing its long neck to fall down and move on its own, which made Thorin jump back as Bard hid his face in Thorin's hair. 

"What in Mahal's name is that?" Thorin yelled at Balin. Balin grabbed a chair and sneaked towards the strange thing, holding the chair as a shield. He poked the vacuum cleaner, causing it to move again. 

"It's dangerous!" Balin shouted as an answer, as the leg of the chair was suddenly, and violently, drawn into the mouth of the machine. Balin tried to wrestle it back. "And hungry!" 

"Why does it try to eat the chair?" Thorin asked, horrified. "And WHY all that noise? Here, hold Bard." Thorin gave the wailing child to Balin. He had spotted the big meat knives at the far end of the counter. He grabbed one, rounding on the machine and sinking the blade into its neck. The neck bent and snapped easily, but the machine didn't fall silent. It continued, even worse than before, but now it got Thorin's pant leg. 

"Thorin!" Balin shouted, eyes wide as plates, and Bard screamed, reaching for Thorin, who was certain his end had come. 

Right then Dean rushed back into the room, in a dark grey suit and hair brushed back. He took in the scene, strode to the machine and unplugged it. The growl grew silent and disappeared, and Thorin got his pant leg back. In one piece. 

Dean reached for the vacuum cleaner's severed neck and looked at it miserably. 

"Christ. What happened?" 

"We did not know you had things like that in the house." Thorin snarled, heart still beating incredibly fast as he cradled Bard closer. 

"Things like...this is a vacuum cleaner." Dean said. "I use it to get rid of the dust. It's not alive." 

"Dust?" Bard asked, peering down at the beheaded beast. It looked stupid to him. 

"Yes. Dust. How can I leave all of you here if a vacuum cleaner makes you....Am I supposed to assume that when I come back I'll find you armed to teeth with my kitchen knives?" Dean asked with a frown. "Because I can stay if-" 

"No, no." Thorin shook his head. "I'm sorry. I know now what to do if it wakens again." 

"Good." Dean sighed. "Just...don't use the knives. I can assure you, nothing in this house besides us is alive. It's electricity. Better if you don't touch anything you don't recognize." 

"Very well." Thorin nodded, and he and Balin watched as Dean left, softly locking the front door after him. 

Two seconds later a loud crash echoed through the house, and Kili's exasperated and panicked "Fili!" Reached Balin and Thorin. They looked at each other. 

"This is going to be a very long day." Balin sighed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for this being so awfully late!! I seriously had zero time during Christmas. But now I'm back!! ^^


	6. People in the box, a hole in a seat and Benedict Cumberbatch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BENNNNNN <3 oh AND Kili is smart again, Thorin is troubled and Aidan is carefree. Benedict remembers manners and the weather... And something will break. Again.

"Now what?" Dwalin was asking when Thorin, Bard and Balin made it to the hall, where the others were gathered around Fili and a broken painting. Fili looked slightly startled, whereas Kili seemed to be frantic. 

"What is it? What happened?" Thorin asked, giving Bard to Bofur, who nearly tripped at suddenly having an armful of a kid. Then Thorin reached down and picked Fili up, checking him over and grinning. "Did you just break a painting?" Thorin asked, with a weird parent-cooing-to-his-kid-cuz-the-kid-is-so-cute voice, and everyone stared at him. He blushed. "Erm... Yes. So?" 

"We don't know. I think he hit the wall and the painting came down or something and-" Dwalin started, but was interrupted by Aidan, who jumped down the few last stairs of the staircase and slid into a halt in front of the company. He was wearing a pair of black jeans and a Led Zeppelin shirt, hair back on a messy ponytail. His grin died when he saw the painting. 

"Oh God! That's Ben's picture!" He cried, crouching down and picking up the tattered paper. 

"Ben's?" Kili asked weakly. He hated being a clumsy teenager--it had been him who had stumbled to the wall. The only reason he had yelled for Fili was because his brother had been about to step on the shards. And now there was this Ben who'd slaughter him later. Depressing. Kili turned, took Fili from his uncle and squeezed the blonde for comfort. Fili gave him a kiss on the nose.

"Benedict's. But well," Aidan grinned, rolling the painting and pushing it into a drawer, "I guess he'll understand when he sees you. A painting hardly matters with your problem at hand." He checked the clock on the opposite wall and his eyes widened.   
"Good God I need to run. Have fun today!" He laughed and bolted through the front door, not even remembering the shards still on the floor. He simply left them for the dwarves to clean. 

Bilbo stepped over the mess gingerly, patting Kili's shoulder and opening the closest door to see if there could be something to clean the shards with. There wasn't--what he saw was a big room with light colored tiles and the weirdest sort of a seat he had ever laid his eyes upon. 

"What's that?" He asked out loud, and Kili turned to peak over his shoulder. 

"A bathroom. See the tub over there?" Kili pointed, and Bilbo nodded. "Yes, but I meant that...seat." He nearly tripped when Bard, having escaped from Bofur, shot from between his legs into the bathroom, wanting to see closely. The kid giggled as he peaked over to the tub, then rushed to the toilet seat and started to climb. He was unfortunate enough to not notice the peculiar hole in the middle of the seat, and in a blink of an eye, Bilbo and Kili watching at the door, he fell in, his surprised yell echoing from the walls.

Bilbo attempted to go help the child, but was pushed aside by Thorin, who bolted to the toilet seat and pulled Bard out, gritting his teeth when he noticed Bard's clothes were soaking. Other than that Bard seemed to be just fine, maybe a little bit shocked, but Thorin was certain any one of them would've been at least mildly surprised had they come across the same situation. Even Dwalin. 

"What is that?" He asked, frowning and trying to hold Bard so that his own clothes would remain dry. Bilbo and Kili had made their way to them, Kili's hand in Fili's, who looked absolutely giddy to see Bard soaked. 

"I can't say." Bilbo said, peaking curiously into the hole. "But let's be grateful the hole wasn't bigger." 

"But who would want to have a chair with a hole in it? A hole with water, too." Kili asked, holding Fili back as the blonde wanted to go and see what could be so incredibly interesting both his uncle and brother needed to stand around it and stare. 

"That you must ask from Dean." Thorin grunted. "Let's leave this room. No one is to come here before we know what it's for." He turned and left the room, back to the hall where Bofur just picked up the last shard and dropped it into his hat. He grinned up at Thorin. 

"All clear now. What did you lot do in that room?" 

"Nothing in particular. I need to find dry clothes for Bard." Thorin said, noticing with a slight frown that the front of his own tunic was wet already. Bard laughed, but looked uncomfortable, staying rigid and trying to avoid touching his own wet clothes. 

Meanwhile behind them Kili was having a hard time, once more. He shook Fili, gently but hard enough to show he was serious.   
"Dammit Fee, grow back up to be my big brother! I can't do this! You are a little rascal!" 

Fili giggled, enjoying the situation like only a dwarfling can. But Kili suspected that somewhere deep inside Fili's head the real, older Fili was extremely frustrated and anxious to get out. With a few broken ribs. And actually... 

"Uncle!" Kili's head snapped up, and Thorin, certain that now Fili was stuck in that absolutely ridiculous seat, nearly got a heart attack. He turned, and almost got angry upon seeing that everything was fine. 

"What?" He growled. The fact the front of his tunic was already soaking and Bard wasn't any better didn't exactly do wonders to raise his mood. 

"We are so stupid! We didn't notice! But I just did! And it's.. I mean there must be an explanation..." Kili rambled, and Thorin raised a hand to silence him. 

"Get to it, I need to find new clothes." 

"Yes. Sorry. I mean, have you noticed that I remember everything?" Kili asked, eyes glimmering proudly. Thorin only frowned. 

"What? Did you hit your head?" He asked, and Kili huffed. 

"NO. I mean, I am younger, but I remember the quest, arriving here, eating the pill, everything, even if it's supposed to happen in my 'future'. So I think Bard and Fili remember too. They are just so young now they can't really understand it, but they still remember. Right?" Kili beamed, and Fili nodded furiously. 

"Quest! Quest!" He yelled and bumped fists with Kili. 

"I see," Thorin smiled. "That's a relief. But not useful, not really. Even if we'd suddenly appear back in Middle Earth... We'd have to return home." His face fell when he understood. If Fili and Bard wouldn't change back... It would be the end of the quest. He would never take Fili into the mountain with the way he was now, never. He'd turn his back to his home, to Smaug, to the gold and to the Arkenstone, and he'd take Fili safely back to Ered Luin. There would be no other way. 

Kili nodded, understanding. Then he turned to Fili and wiped a golden curl away from his face. 

"Look, Fee, the real, older Fee, if you are there... Somewhere, I want you to do everything you can to return, and we'll do everything we can to help here. Not that I don't love you in every possible way, but I kinda need you back." He sighed, looking into Fili's blue eyes. They were understanding, serious, as he looked back.   
"I need MY Fili back. My Fili is older than me. A lot wiser than me. Calmer. Because I can't make decisions alone, and I don't want to be old or dead when you are back to what you were. So please come back." 

"Kee," Fili placed a tiny hand on Kili's face and patted gently. Kili grinned. 

"Uncle, I think-" 

"THORIN! THERE ARE HUMANS TRAPPED IN HERE!" Dwalin's shout echoed around the house, startling the company that had scattered to explore. Only a few seconds later everyone was back in the livingroom/bedroom, where Dwalin stood in front of a strange, flat, black box, that indeed had humans trapped inside. 

"I only sat on that small thing with buttons or so on it and that closet opened and suddenly there was this little box with small people inside-" Dwalin explained, completely horrified. And he was right. The people in the box were peacefully chatting around a dinner table, seemingly unaware of being trapped. One of them was even laughing. 

"We need to help them!" Bofur announced, raising his fist. "Let's break the box!" 

"No!" Bilbo said quickly. "We could hurt the people!" He walked to the box and gently tapped the glass. "Erm.. Excuse me? Are you allright?" 

No one in the box seemed to hear him. 

"Hello?" Bilbo tapped a little louder, and this time one of the humans suddenly grew, his face filling the box as he stared right into Bilbo's eyes, saying something Bilbo couldn't hear. 

"Let's break the box!" Bilbo said quickly. "But carefully!" He warned, when Dwalin stepped forward with his ax. Dwalin rolled his eyes, raised the weapon and brought it down on the box. 

The humans disappeared, the box turning completely black as the ax went through, sending sparks around. Dwalin backed up. 

"Where did they go to?" He asked, frowning. Bilbo hurried to peak into the box, and was surprised to only see weird wires and other peculiar things he had never encountered before. No humans. Nothing living. 

"They disappeared," he said. 

"I don't like this place," Dwalin growled. He turned to Thorin, who was absolutely devastated. Hadn't Dean said that nothing was alive in the house except for them? Electricity. And now they had broken something again. Not a good start. 

"Me neither," Dori said. "Too much odd things. It is suspicious. Look what happened to Bard, Fili and Kili! Fili is the Crown Prince! He is the Heir! And he is as big as a loaf of bread!" The others mumbled approvingly. 

"Silence!" Thorin said. "I am not fond of this place either, but I trust Dean. I don't trust anything else out there, and we can't go wondering. We need to stay and figure this out ourselves!" He spoke louder when Dwalin tried to disagree. "And as Dori just said, Fili is my Heir, and I am NOT putting a loaf of bread in any kind of danger--Fili, I'm not putting Fili in any kind of danger when he is unable to defend himself! Same goes for Bard and Kili, though Kili can probably do something." Thorin looked around angrily, but no one dared to question his words. They knew that had Fili, Kili and Bard been normal, they would've left the house already, was Dean trustworthy or not. But under the circumstances there was no hope. 

"Now we sit down and stay down. I don't want anything else broken." Thorin said, and everyone sat down, preparing for a very dull day. 

••••••••••••

Benedict parked his car down the road and walked the rest of the way to Dean and Richard's house. He had always quite liked it--it was beautiful and cozy, the yard was well kept and if you didn't count the sugar-loving Mrs. Harriet the neighbors were quite lovely. 

The air was cold and the sky full of clouds that would rain heavily later, and Benedict was sure he heard thunder somewhere. He loved storms, especially when you were in a friend's house. It was exciting. He smiled to a passing old lady and turned to open the gate to the house. 

It seemed no one was home yet, the house was dark (the dwarves hadn't understood what a light switch was, and were forced to sit in darkness) and the cars were gone. That didn't bother Benedict--he knew where the spare key was, and he could start cooking already. He crouched next to a big vase and stuck his hand in it, pulling out the key and pushing it into the lock. When the door opened he dropped the key back into the vase and stepped inside, putting the lights on. 

The first thing Benedict noticed was that his painting was gone from the wall. That didn't strike him as weird--Dean liked to change the places of the furniture incredibly often. What did appear to him as odd was the fact he could hear annoyed huffs and some snorring from the livingroom. 

"I thought you weren't home, I just let myself in-" he started, striding to the door and switching the lights on. He was greeted by a sight he'd never forget--fifteen small people sitting all around the room, dressed in most peculiar clothes. All staring at him with identical faces of surprise, annoyance and distant recognition.

But however odd it was, Benedict had been brought up well and he did not forget his manners. He coughed, flashed a wide smile and waved a hand. 

"The weather is awful, don't you think? I'm Benedict Cumberbatch, pleased to meet you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Late late late late late T . T wah. And even such a terribly short chapter!! This was written in pieces, because my brain froze over and I really got nothing out. You'll probably notice that, and I promise every other chapter will be longer and better. I just really had to post this now. Consider it a filler xD


	7. Another burglar (?) and ruined clothes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poor Benedict. And poor Dean.   
> The chest/coffee table is useful, I've noticed, for several things. :D

Dean crumbled the sketch and threw it into the trash can, from where it bounced off and to the floor. It wasn't the first paper on his office floor. And it wouldn't be the last. 

The whole day Dean had tried to concentrate on working, trying to finish the plans for the new theme park that would be built near his neighborhood. But there was a constant nagging at the back of his head, and not sooner than three hours after he had started drawing, he had noticed he had drawn a dwarf with long, black hair and piercing eyes. Goddamnit. That was not a waterslide. Unless his boss wanted a waterslide called Thorin. 

Dean leaned back on his chair and rubbed his eyes, loosening his tie and debating whether or not he should end the day, say he was sick and go back home. He wasn't feeling very good. And he'd still have to go and get a new vacuum cleaner, though he would not do it today. 

He had almost decided to stay and draw that cursed theme park when he remembered that Benedict had promised to come pay a visit today. And knowing Ben he could arrive at any time, and if no one was home he'd let himself in with the spare key. Dean felt the cold dread creep along his skin, and he picked up his cell, bringing it to his ear as he rushed out of the office and nodded hastily to one of his coworkers. 

Richard answered after the fifth ring. 

"Yeah?" 

"Hi, I'm just calling to say you don't have to pick me up after work today, I'm already on my way home." Dean said, walking through the main doors straight into pouring rain. He cursed. 

"Why? Are you allright?" Richard sounded worried, and Dean had to smile. 

"Yeah, I'm fine. But I just remembered Ben's coming over today, and you know him. And no one's home but our guests and I think they might be a bit of a shock to walk in to." 

"Oh, hadn't thought of that," Richard sounded amused. "Do you have an umbrella? If the weather in there is what it is here, I'm afraid you'll need one." 

Dean grinned. Richard knew perfectly well that Dean NEVER had an umbrella with him. 

"It's not raining here," he lied. 

"Yeah, but I can hear it." Richard said. "So you don't have an umbrella. And let me guess, you don't even have any cash for a bus and your bus card is at home, and you definetly will not take a cab." 

"...Cabs cost." Dean tried weakly. 

"Forget it. Wait INSIDE. I'll leave now too, I'll be there in twenty." Richard ended the call before Dean could protest, and if one of the people in the mass of identical, black umbrellas would've glanced up right then, they would've seen a soaked, blond man with a goofy grin that told the whole world how in love he was with someone.

•••••••••••••

"I don't know what I can say to make you believe me," Benedict huffed. "I am NOT a burglar." He struggled against the torn pieces of a blanket the dwarves had used to tie him up into a chair. And dwarves or not, they made some excellent knots. 

"Then say nothing." Dwalin growled. "We were not warned about you. Be who you are, you'll stay there until someone comes here who maybe knows you." 

Benedict fell into a sulking silence. He glared at each of the dwarves with what he hoped was the most poisonous glare a man could muster. His eyes stayed on the small one, the one with golden hair, whom he had thought cute until he had been bitten by the kid. Then he glanced at the other child, this one with black hair, who sat silently on the couch and stared at Ben curiously. Then his eyes shifted to his guardian--the tallest of the dwarves, with two axes that were very real. Then he peaked at the brunette one with no beard, but only peaked, because that one was dangerous. After not receiving an answer to his polite greeting, Ben had proceeded to step into the room. He had spotted the tiny blonde child, and crouched down to say hello. Next thing he knew was that the brown haired one was on him, hissing curses in some weird language, and then everything was black until he woke up on this very chair. Good grief if he had not been beaten by a teenage mutant ninja dwarf. 

"What are you looking at?" Kili asked angrily, and Benedict fought the urge to roll his eyes. He was spared from answering when the phone on the side table started ringing. 

Thorin moved to the phone and stared at it helplessly. He felt Benedict's judging eyes on his back, as he picked the phone up and stared at the screen. 

"Touch the green spot and put it to your ear," Benedict said helpfully. Thorin frowned, but did as he was told. 

"Ben?!" Dean's voice came loud from the small device. 

"Erm, no. This.. I'm Thorin." Thorin said. "Everything allright?" 

"Yes, yes, I'm.. Just. Has there been a man there? He'd be tall, with a long jacket and dark, curly hair. Benedict?" Dean asked, hoping for the best. 

Thorin froze, glancing at the man trapped in the chair. Ben looked a little disheveled, but other than that fine. 

"Yes, he's here." Thorin answered. 

"Good god." Dean sighed. "Has he fainted? Is he DEAD? What's he doing?" 

"He's alive. He's sitting on a chair." Thorin answered, and Benedict guffawed. 

"Brilliant! We'll be there soon, be nice to him!" Dean ordered and shut his phone. Thorin was left to stare his. 

"Press the red one and put the phone down," Ben adviced. 

Thorin did, and then turned to the others. 

"He's not a burglar. Let him go." He said gruffly. Dwalin didn't look at all pleased, but cut the knots open, and Benedict slumped back on the chair and laughed. 

"That was very interesting! But don't worry, I'm not going to tell Dean about this." Benedict said. "That would not only be embarrassing to you, but to me as well." 

"Indeed," Balin said kindly. "But I still think an apology is needed. Kili, why don't you start." 

Kili looked like he could explode. "It wasn't my fault! Suddenly a strange man appears and goes straight to Fee--what am I supposed to make of that?" 

"Yes, I suppose that was stupid of me," Benedict grinned. "Sorry." He turned and reached for the radio. "I think some music would be just the thing for awkward silences-" he didn't get to finish his sentence, when a huge lightning lit the room and the lights died. Immediately it was followed with a roaring thunder, so loud the windows rattled. 

Bard started crying, and Fili grabbed Kili's tunic and held onto it with his dear life. Thorin picked Bard up and squinted to see in the sudden darkness. 

"Everyone allright?" He asked, and got fourteen mumbled answers. Bilbo huffed and puffed as he stood up from the fireplace--his luck there was no fire, but there was ash, and now he was dripping it all over the carpet. 

Suddenly Fili started crying. Everyone turned to him, because the crying sounded extremely pained, not scared like Bard's. Kili tried to see what was wrong, but Fili simply curled in on himself and wailed. 

"Fee, Fili, look up, what's wrong, I need to know," Kili spoke fast, trying to gently pry Fili's hands off his face. "Come on here, Fee-" he picked his brother up, but suddenly Fili was too heavy--Kili fell back with a surprised grunt, Fili sprawled on top of him, back to being a grown dwarf. He wasn't crying anymore, but he was quick to stumble up and wrap his hands over his middle, hissing in pain.

Kili coughed, tears in his eyes when he felt his nose break again. The pain was somewhat irrelevant next to the fact he felt his stubble on his face again--and nothing next to the fact Fili was back to normal. Kili jumped up, throwing himself on his brother with a loud laugh. 

"Fili! Fili Fili I missed you! Oh, sorry," Kili grinned apologetically. His nose was bleeding again, all over Fili's tunic, but it hardly mattered. Fili smiled back, blue eyes sparkling, his golden hair and moustache back on the familiar braids Kili loved. He tugged at one of the braids on Fili's hair. Then he tugged at his moustache. "I always thought you had the best moustache." He said happily. Fili grinned.

"I missed you too. But I didn't miss broken ribs," Fili said and took as deep a breath as he dared. 

Meanwhile Thorin watched all this with a fond and a relieved smile on his face--until he noticed Bard was getting rather heavy as well. His arms and legs were growing longer, as was his hair and most likely everything else, and with a loud curse Thorin stumbled to the floor, with grown Bard following closely behind. 

"Mahal!" Thorin said angrily when Bard bolted back up. Bard stared at what had been his tunic, but what was now short and useless, after Thorin had ripped it to fit small Bard. He gripped the hem and stared. 

"What on earth... What happened to my-oh." Bard looked around. Fili was back to being the big brother, and Kili couldn't have looked happier, even if his nose was like a waterfall of blood. Fili looked like he could pass out soon, but still relieved to be back again. Everyone else seemed to be rather happy as well. 

"Let me ask again," Thorin said loudly, striding to his nephews and pushing Kili's head back to prevent the blood from spilling over his clothes, "Is everyone allright?" 

"Yes, now." Fili answered quietly, smiling crookedly at his uncle. "And don't tell me. There was a part of me that knew what was happening all the time." 

"I see," Thorin said, at the lack of any better response. Then he leaned in and pressed his forehead against Fili's, in a show of relieved affection. "Good to have you back," he smiled. 

"Good to be back," Fili grinned. "Kee, where's that bandage from your nose?" He turned to his brother, who shrugged helplessly. "Oh come on, stand up and let's get you on the couch." They stumbled up, and Fili looked both of them over, sighing. "Mahal. I would've hoped turning back to myself would've also finally made me taller than you." 

Kili snorted, causing more blood to flow into his throat. He coughed miserably. "Forget it. Being tall is my privilege." 

Fili rolled his eyes and walked Kili to the couch, sitting him next to Bard who still hadn't gotten over the fact his only tunic was completely useless. He looked a little ridiculous, and with an angered growl he ripped the remains of the tunic off and threw it into the corner. 

"You have to sit too," Kili said, grabbing Fili's hand. "If my bandage is gone so is yours." 

"Yes, well, but I'm not bleeding to death through my nose." Fili said. Kili frowned. 

"Don't try. I learned a thing or two from my few hours of being the responsible one. Sit." 

"Kee-"

"SIT." 

Fili sat down. Kili gave him a weird smile, his teeth red, and Fili laughed. "Ouch, don't make me laugh, it hurts." 

"You are impossible!" Thorin muttered from the side. There was nothing they could do. No one had any idea of where the bandages could be. Dwalin knew where the painkillers were, but they were definely out of question. 

Everyone was surprised when Benedict appeared, having left the room when no one had paid attention. He walked straight to Kili and Fili and smiled nervously. 

"You, blondie, lay down and stay there. Try to breathe as deep as you can. You, don't lay down. I'll wipe the blood and set the bone. I don't know where the bandages are, I've only got a towel for the blood, so when the bone is set I need you to stay very still and press this ice bag GENTLY against your nose, while I call Dean and ask him where everything is." 

Fili laid down without a word of protest, maybe remembering he had actually bitten the man, or just too exhausted to sit. Kili wasn't so obedient. 

"I don't want you to wipe my face or set my bone." He said angrily. 

"Look, kid," Benedict frowned. "I'm a doctor. Well, I'm still studying, but nonetheless. Unless you really want this blood to dry on your face and your nose to heal crookedly, then help yourself, that's not my problem." 

Kili looked like he really did not care what happened to his nose, but Benedict saw the blonde's eyes widen. He came up with a threat he normally wouldn't have made, and what he didn't really even mean. But the dwarves never had to know that. 

"Let me set your nose, or I won't raise a finger to help your brother either. I'm sure he is as ungrateful as you are." 

Kili's eyes widened and filled with anger. "That's not true! He is... Oh Mahal, fine. Do what you have to." 

Fili laughed silently behind his brother, and Benedict hid a victorious grin as he set the cool towel on Kili's face. He had kept it under cold water for some time. Kili flinched, but other than that stayed still as Benedict wiped the blood off, knowing that when he touched the nose it must've hurt. 

"Okay. Now, there will be more blood once the nose is set, and I can wipe some of it off, but use the ice bag and it should help a bit." He put the ice bag into Kili's left hand and the wet towel into the other. Then he stood, smiling soothingly down at the dwarf. "This will hurt." 

"I've been shot with an orc arrow. I think I'll manage," Kili mumbled, and Benedict, without a warning, grabbed his nose and cracked it straight. Kili cried out, tears appearing into his eyes, but he didn't let them fall, just brough the ice bag up and pressed it to his nose. "Thanks." 

"Don't mention it. Now I have to call-" 

"We're home!" Dean's voice drifted from the hall, and soon after both he and Richard were standing in the doorway. Dean was soaking wet, his golden curls pointing in every possible direction, water still dripping across his face. Richard didn't look pleased, trying to pull Dean away to at least change clothes first. But Dean's blue eyes traveled across the room, stopping first on the couch and lighting up upon seeing Fili, Kili and Bard were back to normal, and that Benedict was very much alive. Then his eyes drifted to the open tv-closet, and to the remains of their television. His face fell. 

"Oh God, what happened here?" He asked loudly, rushing to inspect the damage. It was beyond repair. "No no no! I used it as my work computer too!" He sat down and looked very miserable. "It was bigger than my laptop." 

"Sorry.. There were some people trapped inside.." Bilbo mumbled apologetically. 

"Yes! It's a television! Those people were not really in our tv!" Dean pressed his face into his hands. "My internet." 

"What's internet?" Kili asked from the couch, being bandaged up--Richard had seen what Dean had seen and retreated to the bathroom to get the supplies, before going upstairs to get a blanket he now wrapped around Dean. If Dean didn't change his clothes, he should at least have a blanket. It could work well as a shock-blanket too. 

"Internet is.. Well, an access to nearly any possible information in the world. World Wide Web. Anyone with internet can search for nearly anything and find it." 

"What did you search?" Bilbo asked, feeling terrible at having given Dwalin permission to destroy the mysterious internet/television box. 

Dean's head snapped up. "Waterslides." 

"And cat videos. And penquins." Richard added affectionately.

"They are funny." Dean said and leaned against Richard's shoulder. 

"What?" Fili asked from behind his brother. "Seriously? You have an access to nearly ALL information ever recorded, and you use it for cat videos? Are they.. Just cats?" 

"Yeah," Dean said, blushing. "Cats doing funny stuff. Really, it's hilarious. But you have a point." 

"I think I do." Fili mumbled, amused. Next to him Kili laid down as well--Benedict had gotten the supporting bandage on his nose and the blood was gone--he felt rather good. He turned his head and kissed Fili's cheek. "Tomorrow you and I need to explore this place. Now that you are actually normal." 

"Funny. Did I have a dream this morning, by the way, or did you step on me?" Fili asked. Kili flushed deep red. 

"Dreamed. I could never step on you, brother." 

"But I'm sure-" 

"Dreams." Kili whispered, and Fili shrugged. 

"This is bad," Dean was saying to Richard. "A new tv costs.. Oh and you should probably know we need a new vacuum cleaner as well. And-Bilbo! What is that?" Dean stared at the ash covering the back of the hobbit's jacket. 

"He took a quick dip in the fireplace," Bofur said kindly, turning Bilbo around and slamming the ash off--to the carpet. Dean stiffened. 

"It's okay," Richard said quickly. "I'll go get a new vacuum cleaner first thing tomorrow." 

"We are having guests tonight! Why are the lights all off?" Dean asked. 

"Thunder. Can't you hear it? And the rain. Do you have candles somewhere?" Benedict asked. Richard got up, pointing towards the hall. 

"In the kitchen, first drawer up next to the fridge. Dean, please go change your clothes or you'll be sick." Richard held out a hand to Dean, who huffed and grabbed it. 

"Where the hell is Aidan? He doesn't have a car, he'll probably drown out there." Dean looked out, where the rain blocked the view, making it grey and lonely. 

"He'll be fine, he always is," Richard assured him, pushing him gently but determindedly into the stairs. Then he turned to look at the company with a slight frown. 

"Please, try not to break anything anymore." His eyes stopped on Bard, who was still half naked. "I'll bring you a shirt." 

"Please do," Bard said. 

"Yeah. And then I'll bring all of you some mops and water and you can clean up all this mess." Richard looked at the old hat on the floor, filled with shards of glass, the carpet that was spotted with ash, and the broken tv and dangerously damaged wiring at the far wall. He got an idea. He walked to the big wooden chest in the middle of the room, that was normally used as a coffee table. He opened it, and held the lid up, pointing at it. 

"Your weapons. All of them. You don't need them here. Put them there." 

"No!" Dwalin said. "That is out of quest-"

"NOW." Richard sent a glare towards him, and then at the television. "You cause too much damage with them. Don't argue with me. Put your weapons in here." 

Loud muttering and annoyed glances followed, but everyone dropped their weapons into the chest. Then Richard closed it, thanked the dwarves and followed Dean upstairs. 

The Company was silent. The rain was incredibly loud, and despite that the only sound in the room came from Benedict as he walked around, lighting candles. 

Fili's head appeared from behind Kili. 

"Did he say mops?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So! Do not be sad that little Fee and Bawd are gone. They are, for now. XD


	8. Luke has a bad day and Dwalin swims

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luke appears!! Personally, I love Luke. He is adorable, amazing, really really hot and funny! <3 gosh.   
> And the dwarves are having problems with cleaning up. ^^

"I hate this even more than the barrel ride!" Ori announced gravely, hugging the mop tightly to keep himself standing. It hadn't quite occurred to him exactly how much water was good on the floor, and at the moment the dwarves stood in a small pond that was slowly spreading on the carpet as well. The pond was slippery, and Bombur, after falling down twice, had entirely given up, laying face down on the floor and waiting for it to dry up. 

"This isn't maybe quite so wild," Balin noted from the side, patiently attempting to use his mop to dry the pond. Unfortunately he was far from the nearest bucket and had no other place to dry the mop to but the floor, again. 

"If orcs were to come now we would all be here like sitting ducks," Thorin growled. He had his sleeves rolled up above his elbows, and his thick hair was back on a loose ponytail. He was very annoyed. 

"I believe I hate this more than anyone else here," Kili mumbled, tugging at the scarf tied around his head, to keep his wild brown locks from dropping over his face. Fili, next to him, tried his best not to laugh, squeezing in every single ounce of his will to keep his face straight. Truth be told, he was perhaps in the worst position, because if he would slip, it would be quite agonizing for him. So he stood completely still. 

Kili noticed Fili's attempts to hold back laughter, and took in the way his golden brother was squeezing the mop. It appeared the mop was what kept Fili standing, and Kili grinned. 

"Wouldn't it be terrible if your nose started itching, Fee dear?" He asked. Fili's eyes widened, and he sniffed, his nose crinkling in the most adorable way. 

"Kiliii..." He whined. 

"Calm yourselves, you two!" Dwalin said. "And tell me who in Mahal's name decided to put an ENTIRE piece of soap into the water bucket? Without thinking that maybe our boots wouldn't hold at all?" 

"It was me," Bard grinned from the side. His hair was back on a ponytail, much like Thorin's, and he was wearing one of Richard's shirts. He looked mischievous.   
"Unlike your boots, mine hold just fine." He strode through the room and placed his mop against the wall. "I'll go ask for someone to help." 

"No!" Thorin hissed quickly, and Bard halted.   
"We've had enough of shame. We'll figure it out." 

"Fine." Bard shrugged. He hadn't exactly felt comfortable around the King after his short episode as a child--the incidents of that time came back in small amounts, and he felt like hiding into a corner after remembering some of them. Playing with Thorin's braids, crying and clinging on to the King like a baby. Again Bard blushed, receiving a few odd looks. 

Fili sneezed, and immediately winced, hoping more than anything that he could scratch his damned nose. Next to him Kili had the decency to look apologetic. 

"Sorry. I didn't mean to make you sneeze." He said sadly. 

"Oh shut it," Fili growled, taking a careful step backwards. His boot slipped immediately, and with a shout that surprised everyone, making them slip and fall into every direction like pieces of domino, he fell backwards, landing on the armchair Bard had previously occupied. 

"Fee! Oh no, Fee are you okay?" Kili yelled from the floor, clawing furiously at the stupid scarf that had slipped over his eyes. Fili didn't answer, and panicked Kili tore the scarf off without a thought to the fact it was Dean's. 

Fili was sitting on the chair, scratching his nose like a maniac, alive and well, blue eyes full of relief. Kili huffed. 

"Just great!" Bofur shouted. He had fallen backwards, straight into the bucket, and there was no way out. He flailed his hands and legs helplessly. 

At the door, Bard was choking with laughter. He had to lean against the door frame, and was so occupied with the sight in front of him, that he forgot he wasn't at home. So when someone knocked on the door, he just wiped a tear from his cheek with the back of his hand, walked to the door and pulled it open. 

His laughter died immediately, and was placed with a horrified surprise. 

•••••••••••••

Luke had not had the best day of his life so far. In the morning he had managed to explode his microwave, and had been late for work because of that. At work he had managed to delete over a half of the enormous project he had done, and its deadline had already passed. After he had sat in his boss' office for an hour, being yelled at, he thought a cup of coffee could do. So he walked to his favorite coffee shop, in the storm, only to find out it was being renovated and would remain closed for a month. After that, Luke's car had said its last word, and he had already started suspecting he was going crazy. 

So when he saw himself open the door to Dean and Richard's house, he was one hundred percent done. 

"I'm done," he said, throwing his hands in the air and turning to walk away. 

Bard had never moved so fast in his life. As soon as Luke had turned away, he snapped back to life, launching forward and grabbing Luke's wrist. Luke turned, cautiously. 

"Done... Done with what?" Bard asked, finding it very hard to look himself in the eyes. 

Luke frowned. "With this day. I'm already seeing myself everywhere." 

"It's not a hallucination," Bard shrugged. 

"What?" 

"I think you better come inside." Bard pulled his doppelganger through the door and let go of his wrist. "Livingroom, I think. I'll go get Dean and the others." Bard nodded awkwardly, rushing to the stairs, leaving a very bewildered Luke--who believed he had finally lost it--standing into the hall. 

Luke looked around. It was definetly Dean's and Richard's house. Benedict's painting was gone, though. Shame, it had been a good one. 

"Erm... Could I please have some coffee?" He asked, hoping someone could hear. 

"What do you mean coffee, Bard?" An annoyed voice asked from the livingroom. "Get back here and clean up!" 

Obediently, Luke shuffled to the livingroom door. He wasn't entirely sure who this 'Bard' was, but maybe it was a new nickname. 

He was somewhat prepared to see odd things, yet still he was extremely surprised. The livingroom was full of dwarves. Each was standing, crouching or lying around, rigid and immobile, though their eyes did move. They were wearing old fashioned (to say the least) tunics, pants and boots, and each had their long hair tied back or held back by a scarf. One of them appeared dead, face down on the floor, and soaking wet. 

"Bard?" The one asking wasn't a dwarf, or at least Luke thought he wasn't. He was slightly smaller, not so muscular, and didn't have a beard. Also his curly hair was short. And he didn't have a tunic. 

"Luke." Luke offered. "Nice to meet you." 

"Another doppelganger!" The one lounging in the bucket shouted. "Mahal, when do they stop appearing!" 

"Can I... Can I help you? Do you need help?" Luke asked, not entirely sure what to do. Maybe he was supposed to scream and run. Or take a mop and play a statue like the others. Who could tell? 

"Oh, that would be great, thank you!" The short non-dwarf said. "I'm Bilbo. If you could help us out? I mean, the floor is slippery, it's soaped." 

"You soaped the floor?" Luke asked, surprised. "Why?" 

"We had to clean up." Bilbo answered. 

"Why didn't you use the vacuum cleaner?" 

"It's dead." 

"Ah, I see." Luke looked down. "Well, I guess I could help you here. Just a second.." He stepped out of his shoes. His socks would soon be soaked, but they'd hold a little. He strode to the fat, dead one and grabbed his legs, slowly managing to pull the corpse to the hall. To his surprise, the corpse coughed and sat up, looking utterly miserable. 

"How do you do?" Luke asked, to be polite. Bombur shrugged, and Luke returned to his task. 

Next he carried Bilbo away from the livingroom. He was light and small, like a child, and thanked Luke when he was put down next to Bombur. After Bilbo it was Dwalin's turn, but he said a strict no for being carried around, got down to his stomach and started crawling. Luke shrugged, going to Bofur. He attempted to get the dwarf out of the bucket, but he fit in like a glove. Luke had no choice but to take one of the legs pointig upwards and pull Bofur, with his bucket, to safety. 

Next was Thorin. He looked absolutely furious--he had two choices. Be carried by Luke, or attempt to swim to the shore. The latter didn't seem to go so well with Dwalin, and with loud curses Thorin let Luke carry him away. Everyone who laughed be damned. 

Ori simply blushed, shy, but said nothing, and he wasn't even very heavy. 

Balin glanced down at his brother, who was moving on the spot, growling angrily and soaking, pity flashing in his eyes. 

Bifur didn't even understand what was going on, and Luke was fairly sure that if the dwarf had had a weapon, he'd be beheaded by now. 

Oin and Gloin both wore the same expression of utter shame. Nori and Dori huffed and puffed angrily, but were somewhat grateful. 

Fili and Kili formed a problem. Bard tried to pick Fili up, causing the blonde to howl and flinch back. Immediately Fili looked apologetic, but Kili snarled. 

"What's wrong?" Luke asked. 

"Broken ribs." Fili smiled crookedly. "I'm sorry if I startled you. Try again." 

"No way!" Kili said immediately from the floor, slapping Luke's ankle. "Don't touch him!" 

"Kee.." Fili sounded exasperated. "This is reversed. Could you quit being mom for a second? I'm not going to break." 

"I know you're not," Kili said stubbornly. "But no matter how he'd try to lift you it'd always hurt." 

"What happened to your nose?" Luke asked in between. Kili glanced up at him. "Aidan broke it." 

"Oh." 

"Kili is right." Fili said with a sigh. "You can't lift me. Take my brother and get him to the hall." 

"NO! I won't leave you!" Kili whined, and Luke saw how much effort the blonde put into not rolling his eyes. 

"Kili, it's the hall. This is livingroom. They are connected." 

"With an ocean in between! Look at Dwalin! He's been swimming for all this time and hasn't moved!" They all turned to look at Dwalin, who was still attempting to swim across the pond. He turned to glare at them, and they turned back. 

"I see," Fili sounded amused. "Luke, could you lift my stupid little brother into that chair?" 

"Certainly." Luke scooped Kili up with ease and dropped him onto the chair next to Fili. The brothers smiled their thanks.

Luke returned to the hall, stepping carefully over Dwalin, and as soon as he got to the others Thorin launched towards him upon seeing he didn't have his nephews. 

"They wanted to stay. The blonde couldn't be lifted." Luke explained, and Thorin frowned, thinking it over and nodding. Fili and Kili should be just fine. 

"Where's Dwalin?" Balin asked from the side. 

"Still swimming." Luke answered, his words proved right by Dwalin's angered curse.

None of them noticed Richard, Dean and Bard, who stood at the top of the stairs, having seen the whole scene.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay people. I KNOW a floor cannot get so slippery with only soap and water that you couldn't get away (even by swimming) but hey, this is a story and I have my freedom to do whatever I want!! XDD yee


End file.
